2019.May

We attended a bilicious night at a couple’s home in the East Bay where the host told me he has about 500 people on his invite list. It stood up for me was breaking the tight container society has around individuals. A group of about 10 people started interacting and i ended up not being paired with anyone so i just stood up in the pile of people. All of a sudden, i realized this very tight container was just being broken to pieces as i would swing my cock from a husband’s mouth to a wife’s mouth. I feel loved when my cock is sucked! In about 30 minutes i had been sucked by husbands and wives about 5 times and a sense of freedom, expansion and a shift of paradigm was just materializing right before my eyes as i noticed the woman in the middle of the pile had a hard big cock. It makes me happy to witness a group of people being inclusive of transgender and transdresser. She was playing away from her husband that jumped into the pile sometime later asking her if she was doing ok.

I am pressed to imagine the number of couples that break down because one of the participant has an affair, a night stand or a lover so, it is significant to me to witness couples sharing lovers. I felt excited about befriending the host in order he would ask if couples would be willing to be interviewed about their shifts and melodramas but it would be work to pull this off.

2019.February

I am spinning again and running to this blog to revive, bring up the emotion that is alive and somewhat hiding in a sort of a repetitive tape that is not recorded. Well, she went to a Ladies’ Choice Party yesterday and it is amazing that the boring sexual life i had a minute ago is all of a sudden rocking me to my very core. It is a whole new game! My main fear is abandonment and the possibly loss of intimacy as the possibility of having found a guy or for the sake of precision more than one guy that would fulfill the fragmentation in our relationship. As i spin i go from feeling jealous that Ladies can pull a very ultimost male’s phantasy of having a harem for a night. The angry side of me regresses so much as i feel like cursing the fucking Gang Bang. The reasonable part of me question whether i will ever be able to let go of the conditioning, programming and instead of being competitive just accept collaboration and brotherhood and be thankful she got laid yesternight. The more evolved in me thinks what if there has been just the perfect guy we could possibly share as lovers? This party is attended by couples and lots of single fluffers. They like fucking married women in their husbands’ presence and blessings. I actually find it to be lots of fun to hit on a married couple and ask about their agreement and if one or the other is game. “You charm me and i wonder if you would be willing in playing with me now or later?” “Do you guys play separately?” It is difficult to find an attractive couple where both individuals are willing, able and fun. Anyway, these new dynamics on my plate makes me feel like a teenager trying to figure out how to name and actualize what i want. I am going around in circle because i stopped writing for a while to talk to her over the phone and thank God i gathered the courage to ask how her night was. For the most part my survival strategy is not to want to know and strongly shove it into some confined part of my brain and act out as if it never happened as i literally forget what the possible issues could have been for me to deal with. But, congratulation to me! I asked her night went and got the full report through quadrant one but going further into quadrant two. Abandonment ends up being my issue and even the recording voice on the phone saying: “Is not available” sounded like: She doesn’t care about you anymore and moved on. Reality hurts so much less than the stories i make about possible outcome. She mentioned how people were so crotch crazy as if coming, having an orgasm or orgasms make or break Ladies’ Choice Night. Some guys fuck their own cock only and women also miss their chance of connection and playfulness by not being there, present for the other. Anyway, it is a topic for another time.

2017.December

I feel hurt and I am spinning at the thought of asking my Beloved for support and that is why.

There was a chance he would say yes and there I would go to make two important agreements. One with my Beloved and one with him in order to explore possible ways to make this triangle works and, hopefully, having it bring us more energies into our intimate relationships either by steady meeting as a three something or as a couple both ways. I am still reeling this situation to calm my thoughts down, find emotional balance and access my losses deeply while attempting to bringing my own heart to home. It is tiresome to bounce back and forth in this wheel of emotions and attempt to justify myself into a linear factual motion. It is sort of quadrant one in NVC and it is futile to attempt to enter it as a lover turned down by a hot prospect after putting so much care, work to do it just right as I paid attention to the ethics of my own moves. At this time I was ready to face a total disclosure and dive into communication by knowing I nailed the ethics. It’s been no easy task! I can tell you this much even if I don’t succeed in describing what really happened in a factual way.

I am feeling the loss of a lover and am in a sensitive place where I find it hard to come to my Beloved and say something like: “Please nurture me because B. said he doesn’t want to be sexual and it seems he will keep booking sessions with me on a steady basis”.