Let’s Dive in

 The rain is just starting here and the air feels pregnant with Nature’s discharge. The light is dimmed and people are inside feeling what they feel. At this time of the year it seems we take inventory of our emotional life and for a brief period we care to honestly ask to whom and where do we direct our affection. It is the end of yet another year for those who care to follow the calendar but it matters now more than at other months to collect the sum of who I am in love, affection, care and a sense to ground me enough to believe my very existence counts for something and/or someone. It is like pulling our balance sheet to see the very final number that determines our vibration in relationship to self, others and ultimately the Universe as far as our imagination allows us to reach.

At home we are attempting to get closer and we are locked in a perfect number eight. We move like in a game and become ever so slippery. At times, it is conscious and we name what is going on and engage in a conversation. I work inside my guts and question my moves that are inert. “I want you to take the initiative and seduce me”. I hear this as a bait and switch but I follow the logic and promise myself I will take the move when I am ready. But, my sexual energy is hiding there somewhere in the body. It has been hiding for some days now but I am aware I have strong sexual drive so it is just a question of open a gate and it floods. I finally make my move by being with my own touch and am immediately turned on by the smoothness of her skin. I therefore continue with a few kisses and a bite. In less than a split my sexual energy finds a flow and my deepest sense of knowing confirms in her facial expressions. She needs to be turned on by talking first! “We, each, is to respond in our own love language”. I laugh! “It is ok the storm is coming and we are to be in bed all day”. “I wonder I should cancel my 2:15 appointment”. Now, that I am writing, I see it was a trick question. She wanted me to confirm she was desired and I, unfortunately, gave a wish wash response. “If you want to keep the appointment we can make it and go to the massage place or we can stay in bed all day”. Had I reflected writing in this journal before the answer would be: “Cancel it now because we are going to be in bed making love all day”. I am laughing about this because it is a simple example on how we are tricking ourselves in this perfect number eight. Had I affirmed what I wanted the spell would be broken automatically as I would be stepping out of the wheel we set up for our practice of living our relationship dynamics and it takes only one to save the boat. Why am I afraid to be deeply loved by a woman? You see this phrase doesn’t cut because I didn’t (laughs) claim her once again. The phrase is: “Why am I afraid to be deeply loved by SueLynn?” There are the known triggers, defects of character and so forth but since I have explored this psychological language and dived into the roots of things like not being enough, rejection, fear this and that, guilt, shame, etc. Still, the point comes up about accepting we have enough between us to go through life experiencing a healthy, loving relationship as we have proven we have the courage it takes to grow, evolve, change and name what we want while reaching for a greater picture or vision.

I am well skilled in dreamland but my life is so good I definitely could extend an invitation to self and arrive for good into reality. What the fuck? Why do I fuck around with this sense of arrival into now? Could it be because she left a long, long, long time ago to make a phone call to cancel an appointment and never came back? (laughs) By now it will probably take a cup of coffee to bring me back into making love or at least into writing.

Let’s Go to Hell

It is a bitch of an invitation to take, accept, value and be cheerful about remember to follow through once it is in motion. It is one of the few times and one the of the few things that I consider wise to actually pay a talking therapist to provide the trip before trying it on your own because it takes lots of energy just to keep breathing through it. Besides that there is definitely no guarantee there will be a way out once we find ourselves deep in hell. If we knew we’d survive a battle field then it was not a battle field but a trip to an amusement park where one experience a thrill of being shot at and shooting in return or even before the bullets fly near by. Anyway, I am rested, clear and excited I am able to go to hell and come back at will even though not in accordance with my own timing. I never thought that going to hell as a couple meant double the thrill of being there as the stay is automatically extended by her needs to revisit the scene one more time. It doesn’t matter she has been warned that the very nature of trauma is the utter desire to return to the scene as there is a morbid certitude, not scientifically proven, that this time or the next it will be different. Quite the opposite, it is affirmed that doing the very same thing will just bring the very same result but in the realms of traumaland we know better and stronger we touched a possibility and it is enough for us to want to go back there. To make matters worse I seem to experience a sort of fluency as I bring a little pin, a star, a word of encouragement and in the end I don’t mind taking trips to hell since there is a palpable, measurable positive ripple effects throughout my life.

One simple trip: the guy pulls me to his body and puts his cock between my legs. “Stop”. “You walk in the scene. What happened now?” Oh, God. I grab the nail and stick to his belly. “Do you want to kill him?” Well, my mind surveys the whole landscape in a spec of a second and fair enough I remember my father insisting I carried a nail on me to stick into the belly. All of a sudden, I understand he was actually communicating he knew I was under pressure out there and that I had to defend myself by fighting hard. “I feel loved”. I didn’t go for the sequence to what happens next but I got an answer to a question I had had for a long time. “Did my father love me?” Going through this exercise I realize his love and compassion in/with evidence. One more thing on this scene I remember as I received another important question about it. “What would you say to a 10-year old boy after such experience?” “Sometimes life is hard, tough shit Buddy”. Per request I repeated the same answer about 10 times before the guy stopped asking the same question and he finally concluded: “You can join any neck break sport and it is likely to assuage your turmoil for sometime but your real adventure is to pack all the courage you can muster and go into childhood”.

It is had enough to go there with a trained professional and visit just one scene and get out of hell by leaving the office. It is a very different matter to go into such places with your everyday partner to visit scenes you have done some damage. One of our warm ups was to talk from Tuesday through Friday in Harbin Hot Springs. We camp in the streets of San Francisco two nights a week and we even thought about selling accommodation to couples through Air B n B as the car or box if you will creates a tight container for communication for couples. The container itself I call Active Serendipity but it does easily become a portal to hell. Is it worth walking through it?

We were in bed pretty much all day and we did a trauma session by visiting a Hawaii scene we lived in Jan 2013. I could take heat for way longer than I used to and was able to separate what was mine and what was hers as the story unfolded. By separating the stuff that is still meshed I get to be able to how possible and doable I am against my shame, guilt and where I fail to empathic to her in places I failed to get her involved, celebrated and called to be with me during our adventures. Taking those “trips to hell” helps me realize that all the women in my life starting from my mother never gave me enough insight to help me separate what were their struggles and what was my part in them. The unearned guilt and shame end up being the greater share of my woos.

In Bed

 It cooks differently! We were lying in the queen bed in the master suite bypassing the get to know you small talk running in the living room where the drinks and food were served. One couple asked to share our bed and another one started fucking on the air mattress on the floor. As we watched them we kept looking back at each other as something unusual was going on but it was odd to name it.. The guy was likely to be a body builder and the woman was just so very tiny. Well, he was not thrusting into her but rather moving her body back and forth while his body was steady and still. She was comfortable with the maneuvering and seemed to take his tour of force with grace. “Oh, Baby. You are so juicy!” “I am Sally”. There was a significant pause because we were enthralled by the dynamic. “What is your name?” The direct question seemed to get through since he snapped out of it and with a particular tone voiced “I am Zaack”.

One of the most beautiful thing not just to see but to witness is a hard clit. It is a phenomenal dance a couple performs to get that little thing not just going but hard. As a lover of multiple partners the nuances strike me as a wonder we ever get there because it varies from what is the big deal to what are talking about? It takes time and for lack of a better word i will use the word work to get it hard. It might be interesting to notice i am not talking about having a good time with a woman that is willing, fucking and projecting we are all having the very best of time because we actually might be having just that. What am i exactly talking about here? It is the build up that leads the clit to behave just like audacity or even the arrogance of the hard cock. Gone it the time when the clit can still pull off and disappear out of scene sort of action. The woman’s clit, mind and heart are aligned and we mean biz. I was feeling generous even before we started making love. It was a well connected loving make but since i don’t close my eyes any longer nor i fall for the trap of feeling sleepy i voiced i was grateful for our relationship and named what i specially liked about our session. SL responds to words and she often reminds people around her language of love is word of affirmations. It is a tricky thing but, at this time, i will keep to the positive side of the loving making. So, i whispered: “Keep yourself hot” and went to the bathroom. I was a man in a mission and quickly threw cold water on my face to wake up fully and quickly shave once more to be very smooth, used some mouth wash and empty the bladder and came back to bed. I came back to bed willing, deliberately taking the time to enjoy her body slowly. Instead of asking: “Do you have a request?” it became “name a request”, “give me a body map” and by the time my tongue touched her clit she let out: “they don’t do that”.

B brags he had been to bed with more than 80% of the women attending the parties. It is quite a feat considering that the attendance varies from 50 to 100 people i imagine. He has lots of masculine energy and strikes out like a guy that knows his stuff, his moves from the social contact to making them come. It is good to keep in mind this is physicality feast. Like he put it to me: “we fuck first, then if we like it, we might become friends”. I was new to it when i invited them for dinner before attending an event in San Francisco. SL pulled me to bedroom and asked if i wanted to swing and it was just too fast so i said no. We all box things in our heads and in this case we want guys that desire our woman. I got afraid his wife would talk to me in the voice of a child during our session. Through a conversational situation her voice is feminine and softer but when emotions arise it changes into a child’s voice.

“They don’t do that” kept rolling in my mind. Women don’t brag about number of lovers or even how many times they come in a row or whether they ejaculate because for the majority, it seems, it matters most the intimacy they experience first then they start naming they also want what that sister over there is having because now she knows it is possible, it exists and they are really fast in networking. I don’t have the courage to come to B and say: “careful because you might be leaving all these women un-read”. I love listening to him because for a guy with so much masculine energy he has come a long, long way. A friend mentioned she likes fucking with him because it is so uncomplicated. It seems he socializes a little bit and even before asking for the biz he brings his wife and then say what he intends. “Oh, honey. Have a good time he has a great cock”. His wife was among the women when i had one of the greatest night of my life and on his way out of the door he turned to me after we hugged goodbye “Thank you for taking care of my wife”. After i feel my jolt of shame i am left in awe wondering how he overcame jealousy. As our relationship progressed i was swimming into deeper and deeper water. But, let me put an effort, focus on “they don’t do that”. Why?

• Sleeping response
• Not wanting to taste the sperm
• Not comfortable with the new aroma
• The sweat
• Fear of rejection, not having a hard cock, moving gentler without knowing
• Not aware of finger fucking wonders
• Afraid of intimacy, being vulnerable
• Over identification with his own cock
• Isolation and therefore lack of support, sharing commonalities or Sex Sigma
• Lack of education – we go to school to learn to fuck after waking up … at any age
• Unwillingness to surrender and accept the fact she just got hot
• Old paradigm that doesn’t serve any more
• Just afraid to unleash the handicapped things and having to be with a woman opening up to wholeness

I was swimming into deeper and deeper water. I have been taking two trips a month to Harbin Hot Springs to recharge the batteries and keep working in making sense of my life. In order to behave differently I had to be different but how to be this new person letting go of the baggage of the past? “I’d love to come and I have four friends there”. I feel honored when a woman’s inner child pops and was enjoying her radiance till we got to the meditative pool. The sign reads no sex or conversation but all of a sudden I captured she was in heat.

• Swingers have friends with whom they interact at different times and pace
• Once one is in then one experience a fluidity in a network according to what one is bringing in self

I am slow and Harbin is a place for me to emotionally rest and/or go deeper as I retire to the Tea House and write my letters to God. I haven’t found yet the address to mail them so I might post in this blog somewhere in time. “Make sure you get my hands busy if you head towards setting a date here”. My system was basically locked as I was there to discharge, rearrange things and new dynamics were pouring in fast.

“Oh Boy! It was fun sharing a cock with you last night”. “How was it for you?” On the first scene I noticed the guy at the foot of the bed looking and desiring my cock as you were going softly down on me. So, I just offered him some. He checked with his partner. “Go for it honey and have fun”. I moved away from you a little bit and said I wanted him to suck on me. He started with intensity and his moustache made it too intense that I barely had time to pull it off. I was not emotionally started much less satisfied but my cock almost fired. Anyway, we hugged and started interacting and soon I noticed she got into it to play with my cock as well. But, I saw this man leaning against the wall and watching us. I thought him attractive so I asked if you were a yes to him and signaled he could join us. I immediately noticed he was not socially skillful because he didn’t introduced himself nor thanked me for the invitation. You went down on him and I got a sense it was ok for me to go down on him as well. When I got him in my mouth he started thrusting and I didn’t know what to think or to do with his male energy. It was pretty concentrated on his pelvis and after a few minutes I backed off as I got afraid he could release on my mouth. As I write this I already don’t know for sure whether he fucked you or not.

Scenes in a queen size bed with some people in it playing, touching and sometimes reaching out to the next couple or single person brought in move fast to point it is essential to have good skills in communication with your Beloved. “You, yes?” is a very short and to the point to what is going on or to what is coming between the two of us. I had to learn to stand to my yes and count on my response ability in order I don’t feel betray, victimized or self-pity. I am well aware of my shortcomings, brokenness and how confusing it is to move from jealousy to compersion. I prepared myself really well for this next scene a few days later. He has been my client for a few months and we started hugging as he got ready to leave the room. The other guy who gave me his referral also dropped “he likes old guys”. He started holding the hug a little bit longer than usual so I ended up telling him. “I would like to play with you but my girlfriend and I go together”. At this point I expect a gay guy to just freak out and just name his limitations and throw the towel. “It’s ok”. “Have you had experiences with women?” It is a hurdle to exchange so much information in those short sentences and to be a link between two people who are going to meet for the first time and be lovers. Anyway, it is all grey area and the excitement starts in naming what I want, negotiating the fine points and popping the questions: “Can you host us tonight?” Before you go I would like you to hug me from behind. I am shaking a little bit and starring at the computer screen as I gave him permission to approach me from behind. After a few more minutes comes a moment of great decision and I gather my courage and dropped my pants. He rubbed his cock against my ass and as I measure my body response I decided yes I want it and I pull my pants up and get myself back to the room. She called me later and she was revved up about something and I pondered to talk on the phone or wait till we were face to face. “I have an adventure for us tonight and J would be able to host us if you are willing. I want him to fuck me”. She asked me how did it go. I said most of it. I go through all this and my system starts pedaling backward and I feel trapped. Deep down inside I want her to say no because she is not comfortable with this and that. Something has to happen and I think of my trauma sessions: “The body always wants to place itself where it experienced hurt because it believes this time it is going to be different but, unfortunately, it is always the same. It gets hurt even further”. Knowing this I still want to try it in spite of being aware of the loop. “We honor your desires and intentions deeply” says my prayer in my spiritual practice. I want to be free in the body. My sense of freedom changes overtime as there is expansion of consciousness so I like when I distill a request to the Universe in stating my intention. We visited one of my client together on an outcall and she was playful, cheerful and celebrating my courage, move and willingness to share my vulnerability in a new adventure as it deepens trust between us. Unconsciously I know exactly what to say to set her in a spin and as we had dinner. “I dropped my pants down and he rubbed me”. We don’t have so much time now before the date and she won’t have enough time to recover from her triggers. By now I can see my craziness and how I set up things to fail so I just listened to her as she digested a sense of betrayal. “I am afraid and angry because you agreed with me”. At times I miss codependency and doing things on the back in hiding rather than honesty and transparency. I am getting very close to actualize on every possible sexual fantasy I ever had and still there is a force demanding me to reflect what I perceive to be society requests on properness as if hiding would bring peace since it’d be just one time or few occasions rather than a fucking life change all the time though I want to be free in the body. Go figure!

We come in and the apt is very clean and modern. It does contrast to our yurt without electricity or bathroom and the many projects going on all the time. It is basically living a luxurious construction site while creating a grounding quality of life. They seem to be comfortable with one another and I asked for towels. “Oh God, I miss civilization!” goes the tape in my head. It is true that it is living in a box but everything is compact, running properly and we don’t have to walk through the barn, in the dark just to have a shower. At home, we are still training people to pulp and pee separately. “Let’s talk on the bed so we adjust the lights and name what we want”. It has been years getting fingerfucked and learning to switch the sharp sensations of the prostate into pleasure. I have moved from an overwhelmed sense of shame to “I got pee!” to having a sense it disappears just like a clit at times or experiencing a sort of a drop to the finger. Some of the P play variations has been receiving a head and a finger up or a dildo/vibrator when I am inside my girlfriend and need lots of stimulation. “I want you to fuck me”; “I want to be part of this experience”; “I am open and game”.

It excites me to gather my courage and name what I want sexually when so well served by two willing lovers. Enjoying the tension, the awkwardness and the attention it takes to let things evolve as hands touch, hugs follow, nervous laughter is added to the soundtrack as I find myself celebrating life’s adventures. The myriad of cues come to all senses and he is on my back rubbing, touching and I relax my body more and more as I feel safe gazing at my Beloved’s eyes. What is down there gets a very different significance as a slippery tongue is contrasted by soft beard. As I relax more the rimming really opens me up as I delight myself with the touch of a soft tongue and a beard. He attempts to enter me and the muscles got into spasms and push his cock out. He is a skillful lover as he backs off and gets back into rimming so I open up once again. I am looking at my Beloved in the eyes and she sees I am overwhelmed by the adventure. I am vulnerable and finding it awesome. I decide to swift position and lay on my back so this time I face him and invite the interaction by being pro active as I move my body into it. “Did you come without touching your cock?” I start laughing just saying more to myself. “I hope not because the prostate being rugged would drive me to be a bottom”. We laugh.

It’s been about a month to date and he is coming to visit us in our yurt. We have been plastering the mud house for the last 10 days so I wonder how I am going to introduce him to the community and the group of wanderers of the land who has been working with us. Will I ever conquer shame? Will I ever be free in the body and stop reflecting others or be l’etranger while thinking to myself. What the fuck?

I find what is true or not in my own body because the crazy making has been cascading down for so long like in Family Constellation scenes. It is in my body the piece of the puzzles emerges back to surface with a simple yes or no. Technically speaking I come to realize I am very likely to learn through those daring practice of exercising my rights in this life to be open to sexual pleasure by discerning the right venue to act out my desires. Acting out the fantasies that I set up as goals rather than having them to just fantasies. As I am getting so close to have acted on all my fantasies I also come to find out I am likely not to break free as a whole but just a flavor of freedom. I am overwhelmed to the point I can’t identify the emotions when I simply say to my Beloved “I am in love with you”. Why do I feel so much shame? I understand that so many people are paralyzed by their strong life experiences as they describe them as traumatic. I started saying “I have had very rich life experiences” to avoid being cut off my chance of the benefits of having had those same experiences.