Sweet

2015.October

I finally found another bi guy with a liquid, fluid sexual drive. A married young man from Ukraine came to our play party for a second time with his wife. My Beloved led the Puja and went upstairs to lie down for a rest after we mingled and had some a bite.

I was by her side when he came by and asked if she was up for some sex. There were some gentle moves of the heads in consent to getting together and to my surprise he was also able to ask about STDs and if we were positive. It is very sweet to be a yes to a man and be in the mix while he started exploring her body as I noticed his choices in the landscape. It got my attention he wet his fingertips to touch her nipples and asked her what she liked most in her body. As he performance evolved I asked him to breath, relax his chest and the mid section of his body but it didn’t get through to him. His wife got a guy to flog her against her very first experience on the bed below. I let her know before she lay down she was welcome to join us at some point and she gracefully nod her head. I softly touched the back of his arm as he was thrusting at a fast pace when I noticed how sweet his torso and ass moved. Our heads were side-by-side facing him and as he got more and more aroused it was a trip to face to face with a man when he could be over the edge. I caressed his hair and, all of a sudden, he kissed me. I continued my hand down his torso and I couldn’t hold myself back anymore to fully touch his ass and pelvic floor. I was torn between being seen by the other party attendees cruising as shame takes a good part of me and battling it and start rimming him. I went down on him and he responded with a positive body and words response. When I finally came up he said it had been the first time he experienced rimming and he thought it was sweet.

We dress

This couple is really attractive and we try to get his attention to invite them to possibly join us in our bed. He puts a towel over the bed sheet and guides her to lie down after they disrobe. He gets on top of her and the silhouette of his body reminds me of a beautiful landscape. Beauty is in the nature of well delineated muscles and they are well toned. I entertain myself seeing his butt going up and down but I feel a cue of sadness. We are about 100 swingers in this Play Party and the amount of sexual ready available resource is out of the chart. A few minutes pass and he stands up after he holds his butt still for a few seconds. Between my Beloved and I there is lack of physicality tonight and I get sadder by seeing a great waste of it in their performance. As they dress I noticed she is still civil and there are half smiles mixed with tenderness as they are to leave the scene.

Just a little bit of sexual education would enable him to feel confident it is ok she is barely warmed up. His soft cock allows him to be a tender lover, a man that whispers in her ear. “Thank You!” With that note caresses and soft kisses follow from her neck to her entire body. An attitude of appreciation and reverence automatically lead into connection. The loving making starts with such whispers: “Let me know when you have a request”. His hands seeks his juice between her legs, his lips and tongue seek the 1 o’clock position and he fingerfucks her.

There is fucking traffic in the room and “I don’t feel sexual, do you?” We dress.

 

Relaxation walk.

We are walking in the garden. One turns and says: “We don’t feel so sexy, do we?” There is a pause. “I guess we are missing physicality”. “Well, who do you think we should call?”

I am still laughing just reviving the scene of our relaxation walk. We have a list of friends and it is harder to find a guy to play with then a girlfriend.

 

Ladies’ night 101

“Did you see there is Ladies’ Night this Saturday”. “Are you sure? Where?” “San Francisco area. Do you want to see the email?” She says she will be tired since she is pushing a landscape job and I breathe somewhat easier.

Ladies’ Night is a reverse and ladies are welcome to name how many guys she is interested in having. Single male swingers are welcome by the numbers. Why do I want to be there?

• It is one push from jealousy to compersion
• It is sweet to see her being fucked and find ourselves in a deep emotional, psychological connection through eye gazing
• It is a push from massconsciousmess into a new paradigm
• Just thinking about it makes me scared, shaky and the email warns: No new partners. Read: Not for the weak of heart unless you box it
• I feel like a teenager going on a date
• It is public, it is daring and it is serious play time, it honors women’s Nature’s blessings but, still, deep down inside I feel it is in reverse
• I hear repeatedly this guy’s farewell, as he is to walk out the door: “Thanks for taking care of my wife”.
• How many guys will I thank at the end of the night?
• Will we hit the jackpot and find a bi bottom?
• Is the single guys bi friendly?

 

Cute Thing

 

We go to the dental clinic in San Francisco and a Cute Thing from Russia is hitting on her. I actually shook hand with the guy and we noticed he did not shy off after the three of us met. It is sweet we might have him for dinner in the City!

On her next visit I found myself encouraging her to find out more about him and if he would be game. Even now I take a long pause to contemplate the long way I have come from being possessive, jealous, and ultimately nuts. Now, I think it was just fear of abandonment. As we take baby steps into trust each other a little bit more at a time I also gain access to emotions and feelings that I have NOT dared to even allowed to surface to myself on my own much less much less to a Bitch that could flip from this loving creature into someone that potentially and easily hurt me against my very vulnerable parts. I was talking to my sister and she said: “No, there are intimate places in myself I don’t dare to go there”. Fuck it! As far as I have the energy I will enjoy this dive into vulnerability and intimacy because just having those difficult conversations are such a turn on. There is a undertone running underneath that simply finds him such a cute thing. (Laughs!) It is a real stretch but she dropped the red carpet in a single line: “When you are looking for an adventure…”

 

Massage

 

“Oh, before we get off the phone, I don’t know how you are going to feel about this but aah. I got a massage today and told the masseur I would appreciate if he would work my upper leg and around my crotch. He grabbed my cock and masturbated me”. We practice NVC at home so this is the camera just relating what happened. “How do you feel about it?”

FYI. One thing is to inform her what I am to do. Another thing is to do it and then talk about it even though in our agreement a happy ending in massage is ok. As for me, to be transparent and honest about something touchy helps me to be grounded and more balanced rather than creating a monkey in my mind as the monkeys would keep coming once one is in. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to relate an incident like this one as I am to get home to have my days off. If she has a reaction I am in for a roller coast ride in triggerland. But, at night, she turns: “How did it happen?” “Oh, I asked John to work on my upper leg and around my crotch and he grabbed my cock and gave me a happy ending”. FYI. NVC quadrant two will follow: “How did you feel about it?” “I like it”. To the best of my ability I stick to being honest so you may notice I answered: “I like it” instead of “I liked it”. I am ok with happy ending though what I seek is moving the tension, energy from the first chakra or the pelvic floor up. Ideally light to medium pressure strokes using warm stones. Well, let me out of fantasy and face this terrifying pause. “Do you have a request?” What follows is so adult it is really hot: “Yeah. I am tired of my stories taking me into turmoil”. She doesn’t need a pause and it always surprises me. “I actually would like you to make love to me”. The positive ripple effects of being accepted, loved AS IS simply blows me. There is a surge of love encompassing physicality, emotions, desire, and love in total expression against the acceptance. Ultimately I am affirmed by someone I love and like as a person and am in partnership sharing life. I come to realize it is finally ok to be me but it gets stronger and better as I make love to her I embrace my freedom. My greater sense of freedom becomes through her and the intimacy we experience as we practice transparency and honesty almost as a spiritual practice. My spirituality is orgasmic!

Puja

We made our agreements for the night in front of the group at the Puja yesterday. It was an easy night between us and it shows it pays off to put the amount of hours we have done as a couple processing our stuff. Will we change for good? Will we get rid of the triggers? Will we be present to current lives and be more connected and intimate? It is likely we will always be a work in progress but it is already rewarding to notice it is getting easier. We know the roller coast rides, the misunderstandings, the lack of effective communication and so forth. We, as individuals, will always have our own sense of reality independent of what is really real but we will get to know what that sense of reality is for self and the other. It goes like this: we get in bed and we get ready to go to sleep. She is more awake and more alert than I am so she moves closer and kisses me in the mouth. I return a shorter kiss than the one she intended to engage on. I pull her head to my chest. It is tragic and comic our take on this simple scene.

I cuddle her head on my chest and celebrate being blessed for sharing this journey of life with a wonderful partner. I get deeper in my sleeping flow. She feels patronized and sometimes even rejected because I grabbed her head and moved it to my chest instead of returning a longer, more passionate kiss. By now, I am deeply gone into sleep-land and she wonders what will it take to turn me on to making love at night. Before she gets to sleep she promises herself she will not make love in the morning and so goes our rhythm.

 

OM Friend

2015/June

A Friend offered us a session as she just got certified in One Taste Ohm meditation and she wanted to gift us as well as practice her new skills. She got in on time and we basically got to biz after she asked us about our comfortable level and previous experiences. We did one session based on a video probably posted on You Tube. It was somewhat impersonal but it was a delight to see how easy it is to ask a woman to lie down and spread her legs wide open to receive the Ohm. The techniques are simple and way down to the point. It is very sweet to have a sex coach! Her willingness, joy and an urgency to give were so palpable that for a moment I owned I chose my sufferings throughout my life by doing the intimacy alone. Even workshops where I was given tools to use to get closer, be more vulnerable and trust my partner and, ultimately, feel safe pales to real time coaching. The coach brought me the expertise on the matter and a sense of finality and what was doable within that structure, which got me out of my own stories since she was a well-informed witness real time. Me, me, me is brutal as I feel I am not enough and the stories in my head run the show of life.

 

Banking

 

There I was asking the banker to move the CD to my check account and the guy very skillfully hit on me. I thought it odd when he mentioned he had been to Rio and found the males and females attractive but I simply asked: “Are you bi?” Once again he distracted me by talking about my money situation as it showed on the screen. My attention bounced between these two powerful poles: money and sex. In a very smoothly way he returned the question: “Are you?” “My girlfriend and I are both bi”. The following conversation was open and on the practical aspects of sex but I was bewildered about how much he was juggling between wife and a child, his sexual drive and the risk of talking to a client about his sexual aspiration and dreams. I ended up saying it couldn’t possibly work for us because we play with people openly and his wife wouldn’t be part of it. This sexual inner drive is powerful stuff and a bi guy comes out many times. I just hope there is a peaceful integration at the end of the tunnel and I am comfortable getting in and out of as many closets as there are in our areas of my life.

 

Coming Twice

 

Through reading and learning from others I knew it was not possible for a man to come twice in a row. Since it was sort of an absolute truth I never even questioned it because I have had the evidence of a flat cock after ejaculation. I have been in workshops where it’d be appropriate to ask whether this is true or not according to different perspective or beliefs. Still, it didn’t cross my mind to pop the . Further more, through trainings I learned to stand the relaxation time and to continue to have sex after ejaculation to the point I started timing and soon a solid five minutes were available for extra play. Further more I gained ejaculation control and, at times, learned to cut the flow of the sperm. Amid those practices I entertained the idea of injaculation. It has been very satisfying emotionally but on the back of my mind I still had the impression that coming twice in a row after ejaculation would still be possible if I could be a state of pure acceptance of the scene. We agreed she would come first and for fun I decided to get inside her and fuck. I was just riding the waves till I notice I could see my butt up and down reflected in the glass door of the fireplace. All of a sudden, I got really aroused and the sperm started running out. I smiled and said: “I came”. Not being physically and emotionally satisfied but feeling very good with our intimacy I sensed that with lots of stimulation I could still come again. So, I got the dildo and inserted it. Then, I put a pillow between her leg and my butt and started rocking my cock in. I was semi hard and the combination of being in a lovely place got me excited again. This time it worked! I got my proof it is possible for a male to come twice in a row. There will be some variation such as the amount of sperm released between the first and the second experience. But, to break with another lie in my own body feels wonderful.

Breaking the ice

We were lying on a traffic area enjoying seeing and being seen. Newbies exchanged their impressions of us while we did the same about them. “The night was a child in the hands of bandits”, thought I to myself as we talked with one another about possible partners we would be open to be shared with. A guy approached us saying: “You too guys look very yummy over there. Mind if I join you?” “Are you a yes?” We exchanged names and he got naked by her side. “Is man on man here, ok?” She didn’t think so because there were lots of young first time couples and it was an organized event. I was intrigued by the question and felt left out with the impression of having missed a blowjob or the taste of a beard around my cock but felt more comfortable he was a bi man. It is easier to integrate another man into a ménage a trois than another woman and as things progressed I positioned myself face up and she came over me. Once again I signaled it was ok he would come inside her from behind. So, she gave him her ok. He made noise he was big but she assured him it was ok. It was smooth and fun for me till I started receiving the impact of his thrust mixed with the rocking of her body and she was pushed by this male dominant energy that is just not experiencing pleasure by the act but strongly taking territory, possessing and moving forward by strides of force. I felt conflicted and in turmoil but we are eye to eye and she looked happy. Besides we are looking into each other’s eyes and sharing an intimacy out of the ordinary. So, it was a lot to absorb, receive and rationalize while those rhythmic pushes kept coming breaking the ice.

Cruising

“What do you want to experience tonight?” Her tone, smile and openness in the question got me to clarify so I ask back: “Do you mean, if everything is to go my way, how it goes?”

When I am out and about with emotional support and the willingness of my Beloved there is something that shifts and takes the urge away. All of a sudden there is no pressure, no need to reverse into older behavior pattern such as hiding my true desire. I am strong on fantasy but the very moment I am running by the very possibility of actualizing a banquet now the hunger pre set by my thoughts, desires and wants just succumb into the presence, the very possibility of having it all. Being openly offered a gift is the gift one wants to receive but I felt grateful and went further exploring the scenes.

A few minutes later I spot a woman. She is standing up with great posture, a ready smile that confirms a possibility of a mature intelligence that is cultured as well emotional. “That’s the one I want if it is ok with you”. “Do you want me to approach her?” “No. Not today”. I want to do the social approach myself. The internal pressure builds up immediately and like a teenager I don’t know what to say as I approach her. Nonetheless I push through my awkwardness say hello of sorts and introduce myself and get a name and get back to my Beloved for emotional support. “What happened?” I pull my girlfriend to sit down with me on a twin mattress size made sofa and drink a soda. “That’s how much I could muster. I feel tense, caught and without social skills”. She smiles and points out she is standing arm length with her back to us. My courage builds up and I realize I still remember her name so I touch her calling by her name “I would like to introduce you to my girlfriend”. An inner turmoil keeps bobbling up and I either pop the question or I will be captive of this scene for years to come. “Would you like to join us in a calmer room?” I breathe deeply and lean my body against the pillow while they chat and exchange pleasantries. I am almost passive as I lay back and make room for the play between us to reveal its dynamics. I appreciate body type, muscle tone, eyes movement, level of personal security and experience, openness and I move more and more out the center of their attention so they play with each other. My girlfriend’s eyes tell me she is happy and having fun watching my little boy in feast. There is love between us and our guest clearly sees it as well. I am conscious that is what so many of us are seeking and I tell myself she is experiencing a positive message as I dive between her legs.

Stretching

“I feel open and tempted you have any experience you want tonight”. I am tired of complaining about dissociation and the sort of a veil that surrounds my head preventing me from hearing, being present and finding out where my Beloved truly is but this time I am taking the risk to trust what she says instead of reacting to my own stories and triggers. The song like a tape in my head is a sweet one and I go on sailing in my own mind in a good mood. The lyric affirms: “I got a feeling, that tonight is gonna be a good night, that tonight is gonna be a good, good night”. Feeling high crosses my mind like a wave and its paradox becomes ever present and I totally felt and in bliss because she is in generosity. As I pull her to me I remember selling jewelry to a couple and the husband insisting his wife pick anything she wants from the cases. I am confident I have not a prospect but a customer till I realize the trail is cold so I take the initiative to confront her why she doesn’t pick up a necklace, a bracelet or a set. “Well, he already gave me all I could possibly want”. I understand her now as my mind plays a trick and all my sexual fantasies come to a halt so I name what I really want tonight: “I want us playing together. Let’s socialize separately and see what we come up with and take an inventory for the night”. It is difficult for us to find another couple where we are both excited about them at the same time. I ended up given a tour of the house to two interesting couples and it was a nice way to break the ice at the very beginning of the gathering. It is helpful to have some biz approach to the dynamics of the floor as social skills become imperative in creating some bonding in a highly charged sexual environment. We meet again and I ask: “Who do you find as possible matches for us?” “There is a couple that drove long ways to be with us. They are curious about you. I think you are going to like her as she brings lots of energy to it. He is not ideal to me but I could extend and play with him as well”. I make a comment on my findings: “I find the young couple interesting but they are green and the guy is not mature enough for you”. We settled for another couple as first preference for both of us and agreed to keep the communication open as the night progressed and new people arrived. My Beloved led a connection exercise and one chick pulled my hand to her breasts signaling I was her first choice. I smiled gracefully and made a mental note to possibly explore some more after eating some of the treats in the dining area. After eating my sexual energy drops tremendously and I am urged to press on for some sexual dynamics as I get sleepy before 10 pm. Anyway, I am at home so “Let’s go upstairs and get the master bed”. It is a checkmate situation for me as I don’t have enough drive to socialize nor am I tired enough to take a nap. “Go downstairs and find people to make a pup pile”. Here I am at the dining area and I see the couple who would be our first choice to swap. It is a big turn on for me to hit on a married woman and possibly on the husband at the same time. “I would like to make you guys an invitation. I find you attractive and wonder if you and your significant other would like to join us upstairs to break the ice for this party”. I can see in her face it is too much too soon and she says something behind a very shy smile. “Should you change your mind, let me know”. I walked away defeated and not knowing what she said and had my attention called by the couple that drove from Reno to be with us. “Where is the teacher?” “She is upstairs” as I pour a tonic water. It is close to the end of the night for me and they drove a long way to be with us so I get to the master suite upstairs on their footsteps and find each one of them on her side. I lie down on her side and immediately get the upbeat rhythms coming from her body. I caress her back gently and squeeze the flesh once in a while to get a sense of the kind of touch she responds strongly. She is already sexual so I whisper in her ears: “Would you like to suck me?” She moans and kisses on my breast. I am wearing yoga pants so she feels me over the texture as she deals with the pubic hair unshaved for months. I don’t know why but he comes over to my side and I almost say you are both welcome to enjoy it but choose not to. They are both by our crotches. We are eye gazing and I sense he doesn’t have enough male sexual energy to top my Beloved. There was a time in my life I would be mad if another male was turned on by my girlfriend and now I am equally mad because the guy doesn’t know what to do to bring her to be present, desired, turned on and willing to engage in great sex. I go on thinking and spacing out. It goes like this. Women have a saying in Brazil: “Nothing more irritating than a guy that doesn’t fuck nor get off the top”. “Ain’t that right, Sisters?” Still, it is very sweet when a woman is way ahead of a man to have sex so I fall back and relax as she pulls my pants down to play with my cock. All of a sudden, I pull my cock off her mouth because her teeth were rubbing it and a sharp sensation was coming up my spine. I pull her up to get a minute or so to cool down some otherwise the thing would shoot way ahead of the point intended. Actually I hate when it happens because I am just not emotionally satisfied with the interaction and I would not be willing to stay engaged after releasing. Women generally like a man who is comfortable in his skin to interact while soft as I tend to be kind, more attentive to her nuances and responses to gentler touch either with my tongue or my fingers. As I come down the golden triangle I get to the gate of heaven and I am received by a hard clit! At such a moment it really pays off to be sexually educated because I pull back to an even lighter touch. She thrusts and I go lighter. It is a lovely torture! To make it more interesting I go down on her with a completely flat, soft tongue. She comes once and I skillfully wet two fingers but instead of inserting forward I come up just behind the clit in a com’on gesture. I don’t aim to her G spot or to pleasure her inside in any way except light touches over those areas. “Fuck I am spaced out and stretching”.

Pride

There is Freedom in Pride weekend in San Francisco and I went out to see and to be seen in the Castro. There is a great diversity of people carrying some rainbow cloth or T-shirt with slogans supporting their openness to Freedom.

I feel alien as I see lots of drinking and the smell of pot is strong and present enough to make me high as I try to hold inhalation as I walk by. There seem to be a sense of entitlement for the so called American Freedom but I hear a young man ask for the price of a hot dog and notice he walked away empty handed after the Spanish speaking vendor managed to say Five. I imagine it must be heart breaking for the parents to see this one and that one dressed, behaving and feeling in a way that clearly express a sense of separation from society, money and, ultimately, from America.

The Democratic Party doesn’t seem to have anything to say to the crowd. There is no banner; historical chart, pamphlets or common thread to connect us in a political way. A few questions run unanswered through my mind: Are we free because we can marry, drink and smoke pot and, probably, go in the nude today? How could the consciousness be expanded before next elections so that more than 40% of us vote? Is it ok that 1% sucks up 95% of the money just like in a banana republic? How did we get to be the richest nation on the planet and sustain such a sense of alienation? The youth looks like a ready pack of kids just ripe to be shipped somewhere to kill in the name of Freedom and San Francisco is so rich in every possible direction one can imagine in the name of Freedom. I promise myself to stop imagining about the youth in economic depressed areas as the freshly printed money glues to each other in my hand as I order a hot dog for dinner and start walking back to the office to find a place to crash for the night. We were uninteresting, inelegant, unattractive and not even sexual fantasy would sustain an erection with this crowd of Pride.

Sweet

2015/July

“As you get home on Sunday evening I always expect you are going to tell me something that will trigger me”

I was very relaxed as I heard this since we were on our way to sleep or make love but I automatically reviewed my working weekend in San Francisco in a flash. “Something actually almost happened that would make you happy”. I got into the bathroom at the gym and this small man had his hug cock hanging as if making a presentation. It is rare that cock gets to be huge when soft and it definitely gives its owner an edge since he can make an impressive presentation at choice. I got into the next box and all of a sudden he moved to the box facing me. “I thought we could have lots of fun with that young man”. He bent over as if doing a stretch and I said: “Is it your lower back that is tight” “Not really. It is my hamstrings”. I got emotional somehow in the getting to know you chitchat and I couldn’t control my erection any longer so I rushed to dry off. “May I give you my card?” Having this opening to talking freely to my Beloved about my inner life is so sweet besides it turns me on like crazy and we made love.

Receive

I got a strong massager that I started using on my legs to break scar tissues and increase flexibility. As I rubbed it onto my upper leg the vibration was so intense it took me a second to adventure using it on my buttocks and with some skills on my balls and cock. The goal is to move the energy from the base Chakra onto the whole system. I think I got more than that because she started playing with my ass yesterday and I felt an opening to receive her inside of me so I grabbed a sex toy that had been long forgotten in drawer and I had a wonderful time being fucked and sucked. It is new news for me to lie on my back, relax, let her do the work and just give feedback and enhance the body map by letting her know where, how and when it is more pleasurable to receive.