Trauma is sexy!

2015.October

I very shyly said to my trauma therapist: “Trauma is sexy”. She very calmly adjusted herself in her seat and said: “I have been doing trauma therapy for 30 years and it is the first time I hear this”. She truly had a capacity to listen deeply in spite of mentioning her practice had caused her hearing problems. Further more she attentively knew it was a powerful perspective coming from the expertise of the sufferer so she simply said: “Explain this to me”.

It’s been over two years I had that session and a few breakthrough and a sense of arrival not completion has finally settles down on me to enable to state this: “Trauma is super sexual charged – not just sexy”. In my not so humble opinion the disease is how we see, explore, and ultimately insist in entering it through the perspective of the victim because it is a true fact we were victimized then. The disease as a lack of ease with what happened is perpetuated through the individual paradigm and societal. In other words: we all believe the individual is doomed once the person experience severe trauma. I just said to her at the time of the session: I seem to derive more resources to be fully engaged sexually because of trauma while others get bored or lose focus. Trauma is super sexual charged but I do use it to my benefit though I used to see it through a victim’s filter only.

Here is why I am realizing greater freedom because of trauma. My mother walked in on my 3 years older brother when I was 3. He was fucking me. She took the time to tie us up to the bed. He was tied up to the headboard and I to the footboard. I imagine had she not taken the time to ritualize the punishment I would not be traumatized by physical punishment but by the time she is beating him up I was horrified by what I saw was coming to me without remembering what the hell happened to set her up in such a mood. I was very chubby and through the practice of meditation I was able to get back to the scene to feel the fucking knife she kept pressing against my belly. The meditation practice is to go back to the scene as a mere observer without emotions, reactions or anything to the best of my ability. A few other meditation practices help polish the deal by, for example, the current adult step into the height of the scene and describe what happens to make it right. Another meditation practice is going back to the scene and staying with the emotions of each player to explore the needs they had at the time and give it to them including myself. Why bother doing these practices? Well, it is about polishing my own diamond and separating all the emotions, attachments, reactions, conditioning just like the current situations with our own diamonds. Ultimately it becomes a Zen meditation and it is totally worth understanding deeply all the facets of the scenes. Here is why: So far, I have learned it has filtered my sense of reality throughout the years ever since it happened and it set me on a quest. One of the sweetest thing I have found about the scene is the re-member-ing or bringing the members in. It dawned on me what I decided about it at the time. “I will do it again and you will affirm it instead of punishing me”. This phrase is in my rationalization of current self but give or take it is the sexiest thing for me and here is why.

I pause in writing this as it has taken over 50 years of journeying to have this sense of arrival. Now, after so many struggles, I can breathe and notice it without trying to control it. I will let go of liner thinking as it echoes in my mind my Beloved saying: “It is hot for me to see you guys kissing”. I burst into tears as I write this because I accomplished polishing my diamond. I cry over a well-done job instead of feeling victimized.