Dead Split

2017.Feb

We hosted a young man in our community a few weeks ago and she told me she was enjoying his attention on lunch and breakfast outings. All of a sudden, he was perceptive and mind me he was also very educated being graduated twice in his country of origin. I soon noticed her overall disposition was up, her sexual energy kind of pumping up some and i started imagining that even her aura was brighter than usual.

I realized i experienced a dead split! I felt an opening, a giving sort of celebration in the very inside of me, a sort of celebration and i also felt jealous. At times, i had to say to myself: “Yes. You want this”. I kept paying very close attention to the opening, the sense of celebration because she was happier and sexually excited about Avi. Earlier morning we said our usual morning exchanges and i noticed that in about a few seconds of interaction with him she laughed somewhat loud. I pulled her to the side and mentioned my observations. “I want these vibrations in our morning interactions”. It is an essential mix to be welcomed to life by a vibrant partner to start right the day and proceed with with our affairs. It is truly difficult to describe this opening, this want my very partner sexually excited and happy for him.

One Night Date

I am blissed out!                                                                                                                                                                  2016.January

I am experiencing peaks of happiness and it mixes so many aspects of my life it is difficult to name specific reasons to be reaching those peaks. I am writing about this state in relation to love, nurturing, being connected and specially being loved and loving someone.

We had an one-night date with this young man. Throughout the date my Beloved brought so many proof of love through evidence, actions and deep acceptance. What was it that happened that was so nurturing? Early morning he wakes up and gets to the bathroom and on his way back instead of going to his bed he dives by my side. He leans his head on my chest and there is male nurturance going on that takes me into a sort of awareness of the situation. She is still half asleep and whispers: “You are welcome to play with him”. My heart jumps off my chest and I fall in deep love with her because it is freedom my highest goal. I am facing up with my left hand caressing his hair. My right arm is pulling her closer as she rubs her butt against my thigh. In an impulse I turned to her side spooning and I am well aware I mean business. I wish I could reach the lube to my other side. I smiled as I think to myself: “Would you be the lube Fairy?” It is difficult to describe presence. It is the presence of integration, male and female while leaving my introvert condition to be fully emotional and yet an extrovert. In retrospect I realize I have been describing just breakfast but the night, the negotiation between three bodies rolling, seeking, interacting and being blessed by a wife that set her husband free to have an one-night date.

Jan.2016

B.

We are different from other couples because we shift position within the relationship rather than having steady characteristics that would hold us down to a more predicted position, way of being rather than this constant change. Other couples would say they go through something similar because they also are capable of changing but it is likely we will find people we can predict who follows and who leads, for example. It would also separates us by the simple characteristic we are happy in sharing lovers. It is a trip to have a partner to discuss what I liked about having sex with him or her and guess what got in her way to have a good time as well. She told me B. is sweet, intelligent, attentive and physically attractive. I named he didn’t know how to use his cock well and couldn’t fingerfuck with relaxed fingers. B. is well advanced for his age and it is a big turn on for me that fact he is half our age but it is something that doesn’t matter to her. She doesn’t like being in “her teacher” with a lover as it makes her feel responsible for the interaction. As for me it simple drives me crazy to instruct a young man on the fly. “Keep moving your hip in strides and notice your breath as you relax your upper body completely. Eye gaze and thank her for receiving you in her body”. I can’t imagine why he was so anxious but I showed him some strokes that he immediately said he was going to take home. For me, it is just far out to be a sex coach and realize so much unnecessary suffering I have been through because I only found sexual education late in life. Even in Play Party events there are quite a few children in old bodies. One guy took a leak over the bowl lead and I thought to myself: “This guy needs toilette training and he is already attending swingers’ events”. I didn’t realize I needed extra long condom till the day they almost strangled my cock trying to put one provided by the party organizers. Since then I learned to carry a Kimono because it is extra thin.

Innocence

 At this time I was conscious it was big what we were doing and its ripple positive effects were multi layered throughout our very core. “Would you like to come upstairs and talk to us?” They sat on the sofa and I made myself comfortable in bed. “Feel free to talk openly about what we have been doing. At this time, it is really important you say what you want”. I am literally shaking as I write my recollections because it was honesty and transparency being laid bare to an extent I had never consciously experienced before in my life. “My understand is that you both want to interact and explore things that are completely new for you”. There was a young man in his twenties baring his soul muttering a few sounds as he mustered his courage to basically say in my imagination: “Yes, Lady. I would like to borrow your significant other to dive into some sexual exploration if it is ok with you?” She was gently explaining to him what was involved in our possible interaction and she (What a bitch!) asked if he would be prefer as far as sharing with the group, in the meetings, what was going on or if he would be more comfortable if she shared after he leaves in two weeks. We get together twice a week in our community. There was a lot on the table and I felt a need to name in graphic language our whole negotiation. “What we are to explore is potentially explosive. I promise I will slow down to the best of my abilities to slow down to your pace. I liked you exploring my cock. What is next for us is that you would suck me and it is likely that you’d consider having me inside of you. Once again, my concern is that you feel safe, at choice and that you name what you want”. She called his attention I am double his age and that we are both sexually experienced people. There were some practical things to be addressed such as: “Would you like me to be in the room holding space for the two of you or would you like it to be a more private setting?” She went further: “I don’t want to come into the room after the two of you are into it”. It hit me hard as I want to be caught, to be found out so I have put lots of effort to recreate this scene. Fuck NO! Let me try this: “I am ok either way but I would like him to walk on me for an hour then have you come in as we are to start”.

Only upon further reflection it is surfacing from very deep inside of me what the fuck I am looking for is to bubble an insight out motion going back about 50 years in real time but pretty much yesterday in emotional time. It is like the little bubbles of a champagne drink coming to the surface and to my consciousness. My mother walked in when my brother was fucking me at the age of three. I have worked this scene in a few different ways and what really fascinate me are the decisions I made at that time. I want her to walk in and accept, support and be there for us instead of shaming. I am in awe at the young man from Hong Kong as he makes his choices. I, for one, was in overload and dissociation took a good part of me as he asked he didn’t work on my body tonight. I started feeling a primal anger for going through all this work of communicating with each one at a time and bringing them together doing my best to be ethical, fair and considerate to nil. “Please, wake me up in an hour or so” and I passed out.

I would like to write some more but all of a sudden the energy it takes to write is gone. I got what I needed but not what I wanted. I do value talking, processing and finding out the origin of my desire, world-view point and how I came to be. A song pops in the tape in my mind: “Useless to sleep because the pain will not go away”. One-hour nap refreshes me enough I am more likely to be present, able to talk and be willing to explore and possibly go places. It takes a great deal of trust within me to be vulnerable with my Beloved to go into sensitive spots in my childhood. It is new news for me to name what I want since emotions run in a sort of undertone that gets me to dive deep to come up with a request. It is crazy making since I blame, feel victimized, frustrated and betrayed. At times like this I go crazy and I am conscious of my own craziness and still can’t stop it. It is a lot of personality crap and over time I learned to surrender to the very noise distracting the narrative in my mind in order I access the next layer towards the core. It is not possible for me to put into words in a way that makes sense because I embrace concepts such as active serendipity, effortless effort, expansion of consciousness and I constantly put the effort I don’t have to like it just accept. At some point I actually come out with something so I push myself by saying: “Cut the crap and fuck the excuses”. By now I can simply nail my anger and let it be expressed. “The sob would have my cock down his throat by now on the table and she’d be watching us from the bed if she had not brought up the possibility of sharing with the group about our adventures”.

When she triggered, spinning and working to make sense of the dynamics she is dealing with she talks, charges, demands and makes lots of noise. I listen in awe! (laughter) Sometimes she gets mad as she urges for a feedback, a reaction, something! “Let me remind you it is your privilege you can access fucking dynamics, triggers on the fly and verbalize them”. Nonetheless, there is a sensitive situation on the bed tonight. “I am surprise he choose you to be in the room next time we meet”. Once we get into this kind of openness it is just impossible to talk about the whether, food, movies, families as the easiness of safe topics becomes off limit. I had promised I’d work on her after our rendezvous with the young man. She asks for it and I am in no place to openly give but I manage to get myself willing and we move to the table. At this moment I am writing about this second episode of that night interaction I question myself why I ever started writing in the first place. There is a block against writing itself and I don’t get through it then it could be there like “a stone on my way” to writing and really enjoy it. So, let me push through it. I worked fine on her body and by the end I kissed her as we have agreed it’d evolve sexually. It did not turn me on so I continued rubbing till I stop the session and we came to bed. We are both very aware we got stuck somewhere for some unknown reason and sure enough she reacts talking about emotional stuff and exploring it must have been noise in the communication. I came up with the lame excuse I didn’t get the kiss was enough for her to respond sexually. I actually was fortunate enough to just bite my tongue as I was to say her kiss was not hot enough to turn me on. Dead people don’t blog and you wouldn’t, for sure, be reading this scene. Somehow I sensed I was really angry and that it was out of proportion. I started getting “lost” in my thoughts and diving inside to recognize what could possibly be true for me. I easily lose sense of time and all of a sudden she pushes against our insanity. “Pretty soon you will tell me you are getting sleepy and I want a different result tonight”. Time to face it. I surrender to my own anger and deliver a simple statement: “I want you to give to me”. If you reading this far then realize that what follow is important. I am regressed, in primitive state and accessing one very possible source of my anger. “I am in blame and feeling victimized and rationally I know it doesn’t make any sense since I feel very fortunate for our relationship but if I were blindly to say it: I want you to walk in on us and emotionally support me”. It is basically to be caught cheating and affirmed instead of shamed, condemned and tortured as it happened at three years old. I made up my mind then I would do it again. It takes me about 50 years. There is a positive ripple effect like domino pieces openly falling backward throughout those years clarifying one reason I strongly lived through some decisions, behavior and choices.

We have the stamina and recognize it as vital to process what goes on and mostly important figure out where it started in our journey called life. We trigger each other very often and sometimes it feels like all the time as it takes so much emotional energy to look inward in search of clarity and understanding why things are the way they are for me. So we trigger each other and each one looks inward to the best of our abilities and we feel supported, as there is enough trust for us to be vulnerable with each other. We are each other safe haven so we have a shot to trust and go places.

She is in bed and he is working on my body. He works around my cock but I notice this time it is less festive, less adventures. He is more focused on the strokes and less sexual. I am ok when he stops and they exchange some words. I thank him for his bodywork. I find it to be very effective to receive crotch touch, stretch and he is effective. I look forward to keep receiving his work and offer to work on him if he asks for it. The very following day he is in the kitchen and mentions he wants to work on my girlfriend. “She is out buying a car with her son. Would you work on me?” I called SL but got her son. “Please tell her I am receiving a session and ask her to come into the room”. I thought to myself that by the time she gets home he will be working on my cock and bingo I get caught. This time I am conscious I am re-creating my three years old scene. I want her to come to us and kiss me. I have to remember to ask her to come to us because she deals with abandonment so she might not feel confident in that moment to come forward. I deeply promise myself I will remember I will call her, kiss her and say thank you in appreciation. He is working my cock and I tease him by asking: “How many times do you think of tasting it?” At first, I could not make sense of his answer but I could see in his expression and mannerism he was being open, transparent and honest. I still can’t make sense of it but it went somehow like this: “No. My pleasure is that you feel excited, your reaction is what I like”. Just to add salt to injury he asked if I wanted to come. I couldn’t believe the sob was totally of service and had no drive his own. I talked to SL later and she said there are guys out there that say: “I just want her to come”. I wanted my cock to be desired, celebrated, wanted and the least he could do was to attempt to swallow it down his throat. I wanted to see tears in his eyes, his guts making sounds and a sense of defeat and awe as he would hold it knowing he could not provide satisfaction guaranteed as they put in the ads. “Why the fuck you think it is called a power exchange?” I feel loved when my cock is sucked for a very long session. At play party I am curious how the other guys learned to control ejaculation but we were playing with this guy in the Big Island and we finally got the mechanic of it. “You have to learn to do this!” He was very sweet as he explained her jaw would not open as much and we had fun measuring the entrance of her throat.

Friends

 We had a friend over and she made the comment we were relaxed with each other.

• There was almost an absence of triggers therefore no need last minute agreements. Why?
• I am committing more and more to our intimacy. How?
  • I have been reasoning my heart into having more, valuing what we have and pushing myself into actualizing desires, fantasies instead of wanting in dreamland
• Meanwhile practicing transparency

SL and I are experiencing peaks of pleasure. I am writing this and I see the importance of communicating what I want and how much I love her and how much I appreciate us being together in this journey. It is about attending to what the other needs and wants but let me get back about being sexy.

• I had this fantasy where I wanted a man to fuck me slowly and, all of a sudden, I started practicing it. I thrust into her slower and slower. I am now riding the orgasmic waves but when I get to peak and decide to release I go for a slower pace and move ever so slower and slower to a halt. I aim to be steady. This steady way brings our attention to the minuscule changes the bodies are going through. The flow of a river reaches a bank and it becomes a dam. Holding still starring and diving into each other’s eyes while attempting to surrender at a moment of power.
• I relax my body to the best of my abilities and I get into a meditative state that stretches my perceptions, pleasure and I reach for greater intimacy

As I write about this I am making the choices of choosing what I do and how I feel about it rather than saying what happens to me when I do this. It is a significant shift that denotes naming what I want rather than being in the flow of what is happening. I dance between being in the flow and making a point to the essence of the flow I want to create and open up to greater and greater possibilities.

Why bother?

Loneliness addressed by transparency

• SL never dreamed she could be really heard
• N never dreamed he could really say it

SL: “He never thought he’d have the right to say it. She never thought she’d have someone to hear it”

I like feminine, green man. She likes masculine, mature man. I like smart, mature, experienced woman that still dreams. She likes woman that feels safe to her. I hope I will commit enough to our relationship that the certitude of it will pass the feel of security she craves. It is a big order because it requires letting go of living in want to living in having and valuing it. We were in the Big Island in Hawaii and she found a guy with beard and rough hands from working on the community. Besides that he was tall. I was immediately a no to him but she kept working on me to at least give a shot. I was curious about the social skills it demanded of her to do the back and forth. I agreed she could go for a walk with him and talk things over. This is a stretch for me because I get jealous of attention not of the body or the fuck. In a Play Party environment it is a fast pace to get to the bottom line of having sex but to create a scene or a situation requires some fine maneuverings. By now, we agreed to meet and once I sensed his overall energies I was ok we could get to bed. They got together and at this point the guy says he is up to cuddling. “Sissy” whispered I under a breath and laughed a little. I was cracking up as she was transformed and it took her less than a second. “This shit doesn’t work for me I am not a poly”. There was a short second walk and I was just like now laughing at the dynamics. “I just hope he doesn’t smell” “Did you check?” She affirmed he was clean so we started walking on each side of her to our tent.