Shifts

2016.March

“I am feeling a need to be nurtured by a man and would like to know where you are in relation to this so I create some movement”, I said.

My heart was racing as I said those measured words. There was still a gap in the air as I dared to explore further. “I would like to contact B and see if he could work out with his wife for us to get together”, I said. I was still in 3D, my heart was just racing instead of jumping out of my chest and mostly important, I was not dissociating. When the internal pressure goes up I somehow take off and it is a tremendous effort to stay present instead of being hijacked by triggers. As I racing through this internal turmoil I was astounded to her reactions. “Why don’t you get on the phone and figure this out?” and she continued: “Last time we were together you guys did not have sex”.

I ponder on how to continue this writing as I think we sucked on each other, rimming and tried to get in. Second, I am well aware I am taking baby steps towards my so dear freedom and the fact I can talk, name what I want and dare to bring up my internal life exposing the emotions running undertone I consider the whole interaction a win. I might, once again, not act on it as I realize I have just given this guy time to make the move because he is a little bit less than half my age.