Name it!
2015.November
I am enjoying a new twist. I am ok to have this pretty woman for lover but I see things: she is naïve, green, codependent, successful in her career, intelligent and bored with her life in northern Spain. She lands in our community and for all the possible sexual partners she could pick; she seems to have chosen me. There are lots of un-conditioning stuff going on for her so she is blossoming and flowering in her own way. She let go of her body in a breath leaning and falling into me. I moved out of the way instead of holding, supporting and taking care of her. It has turned me on the possibility she will learn to be the one there to support herself. I dream she will stop seeking outward, name what the fuck she want, how she wants the fuck, sex, lovemaking and, ultimately, transcendence. I will question whether she will have a plan to emotionally support herself on how to get out of love as the time of her departure arrive. It is turning me of the loss of innocence into a person who has the courage to name what she wants, gets the way she wants and lets of by deeply accepting life is ephemeral. Tears come and they are shed but down deep inside there is the acceptance a knowing there is so much more than we can even possibly receive by the Universe. It is sweet to imagine she can step into her own power and attain a greater and greater freedom by exercising her ability to respond through her own choices, practice of discernment and clarity. She will have to name it.
What does turn me on? I imagine she will let go of being a victim or feeling victimized. We would be having sex with someone green but empower by her own naming of what she wants filled with emotions. I’d be living with two different women under the same roof and it scares me because we would be building relationship rather than just having a one-night stand. The situation has arisen and we feel more vibrant, sexual, closer and excited to explore it further. My Beloved is enjoying being more open, more in generosity as jealousy teases her to be less she dives deeper into her true self ever open more without holding back. My cock is sending signals of getting hard as I see great sex for me and feel jealous because she is risking expanding compassion, love, falling in love, being romantic, becoming softer and giving without holding back. All those things are also happening for me but I am jealous for seeing, understanding my Beloved’s route, pathway and she is pretty much able to sustain voice. I am what is called an avoidant so I will get challenged to accept more, love more and fall in love. The internal pressure comes from wherever it comes but its demand is for me to open up. There has been times where we’d be eye gazing and she would literally ask me to stay a little longer and I would keep receding while watching my loss. I am into tears as this writing comes out because I didn’t expect this kind of encounter with self in this writing.
That bitch will have to name it!
Delusional
I emailed the following posting to my girlfriend and hell didn’t break loose because I reminded her I also have the right to the First Amendment. Actually I often wonder when people talk they call it communication. When I barely express a simple sexual fantasy I call it delusional because hell just lean towards breaking loose or lose. I don’t know the difference but I am determined to get back to the table and say my 2 cents. What the fuck? I must have the right somewhere about something rather than listening carefully to the woman so I agree before hand or pay seriously attention to what she is saying in order I make my mind in that direction. I really don’t know whether to laugh or cry because I don’t have the stamina to disagree with my girlfriend and listen to her triggers, thoughts, concerns and vision on things. I throw the towel, give in and email this damn letter so she knows when I agree with her it is a small me not the adult self. Will I really email this paragraph about being delusional?
Love You!
Delusional???
Well, it might be helpful to get out of your delusions, the one that you are “just listening to the woman to hear what she wants”, if you were to notice what you are saying in the 2 lengthy paragraphs in your communications with me. I am wondering if you listen to the’ woman’ to decipher what you want! Do you know what you are saying? Do you know what you want? Do you consider the consequences of what you are considering? or, are you waiting to hear from me to figure out what you want and what the possible results might be? Thats fine if its true; just noticing if it is true would be helpful! I do this often; I talk with you to help me understand what ‘I’ want.
Notice above: “I am ok to have this pretty woman for lover…” “what does turn me on? I imagine she will let go of being a victim or feeling victimized. We would have sex with someone ….” “My cock is sending signals of getting hard as I see great sex for me….” “I’d be living with two different women under the same roof and it scares me because we would be building relationship…”
At no time do you share that this is a fantasy you are sharing with me. Your are writing as though you are heading into something you are clear about and then when we talk you shift it to ME. I do not see ‘your victim here’. I have not shut you down nor shut you out. I do have the right to my responses and reactions, the same as you do.
You DID NOT REMIND ME THAT YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO THE FIRST AMENDMENT! And had and if you are claiming that right ; Once again I do not have your freedom!!! And, you have the choice to consider what you want and if you choose to share that with me.
I love that you are sharing with me openly and feel frustrated and angry that I feel triggered as I would wish to explore this without so much anger and jealousy!!! And, logically this is not your fault: to bad, I am blaming you anyway! Ha!
That bastard will have to name it! And, consider the consequences of a choice – Yes, the adult driving!!!