“Have a fun night”

2015.September

 

“Have a fun night!” she said this morning as I was getting out of the door on my way to San Francisco.

There is a whole world wrapped in this farewell as I came out of the closet once more and explained I need to have affairs with guys otherwise I end up crossing my own set of boundaries on my clients. It is just too hard to keep my shit together when I am under a lot of pressure. The pressure can be internal and it mystifies me since I can’t identify it but my own behavior screws me. I noticed my behavior and made the effort to come out. I told her where and when I got to be at risk with my clients and I was scarred my dysfunction was getting momentum rather than slowing down.

“I wonder if it is ok with you I pick up guys at the gym or I go to the Baths while in the City?” I pause in this writing because there is literally an avalanche of triggers for us to deal with. As soon as I say something like that I disappear, dissociate, get of this world, experience shame, guilt, anger, feeling worthless, loss and as the confusion gains body it triggers a few other things: victimization, sense of self pity, being pissed off with God. Other than that there is her side: guilt, abandonment, control, anger, frustration and we start working to pick up the pieces to make sense of who we are and what we want as a couple and as individuals. We started this conversation over the phone on Saturday night, as I needed to take a Step Five in order to calm down and be safe on Sunday. It worked as I could come back to my breath to deliver my service in a safe environment but the Jennie was, once again out of the box. The practice of transparency and honesty saved my ass one more time but by Wednesday I was out of esteem and steam. The internal resistance against changes starts breaking down, a sense of fragmentation or scattered glasses settles in. It feels like taking a beating or attending a long body work session as more and more stuff gets revealed. I am adamant I will fall in old behavior pattern such as hiding from my Beloved who I truly am. Still, as the layers bubble up there is no guaranty this true self will emerge. My sense of freedom is also transitory and life is ephemeral. Lately I have been joking saying: “Nobody escapes life”.

One of the things that emerged for me is the possibility that I really want us playing together with a myriad of lovers. What ends up being hard for me is to grasp my own mental game as I deal with traumas. I have had a very rich history and there are lots of things stirred by deep-rooted experiences in my childhood. I was born to deeply experience the human melodrama and evolve by leaps in this incarnation. I am able to revive traumas and profit from the experiences by somehow transforming those pent up emotions into flares of passion and pleasure. The challenge is to break the spell on the ones I actually can’t remember in my head but am able to realize them in the body. It is trippy! We get lots of great orgasms with intimacy out of this practice of transparency and honesty. It is a deal to be over 50 years old and be with someone that is also willing to work to figure out means to let go of control in order to feel safe or codependency to feel loved. We both have been through boredom in monogamous committed relationship and we don’t want to go back to that but the high, high, low, low of our semi open relationship involving male and female lovers is quite intense as it requires maturity, adulthood to juggle the personality crap resulted from conditioning, programming and our own take of things as we got started in the body. I don’t expect coming up with an answer anymore except that there is a greater sense of calmness, clarity and a more of me so we become a stronger, more connected couple. Will we make it? We work for it and take leaps of faith once in a while wondering what “Have a fun night” can possibly mean.

Transformational

2015.August

 

She has been busy working on a project for the last three weeks and I rediscovered physicality by spending hours at the gym. Not only that I made up my mind I want to gift the mornings to myself and ideally to ourselves.

I move parallel to the social dynamics around me so it is very peaceful just get naked at the gym in the gentleman’s bathroom and shave while taking the time to get into the showers following by the hot tub and sauna. If I change the initial routine then I get on the stationary bike and break a sweat before joining the yoga class. If I rush out this performance I get done in two hours or, better yet, I lie down in the sun for an hour or so. I call this part of the day Visiting Your Doctor for good healthy reasons. Since I wake up by 5 am there is still some good time left for Inner Life: journaling, updating web sites, preparing breakfast and putting some effort to slow down life. It is vital to be attentive to keep blocking people and moving things to the second half of the day.

After length discussion and planning I got her to promise she would not boycott my efforts in creating these changes to live 10% better on a daily basis. I am shooting to take off 10 years: Not just 10 pounds. A few of my clients build more energy than they know what to do with it. The ones older than 50 find great balance and have a sense of pride. So far, I have been accomplishing greater strength, mobility and flexibility but haven’t been able to slow down the food intake in order to shrink the body. I need her help! She has been in triggerland and running her tongue instead of her legs; stretching my patient instead of her body in the yoga poses and so forth.

It is sweet to put on my shoes without thinking what position the body will accomplish the task, poop by taking a relaxed deep breadth, sleeping face down in total comfort and ultimately accomplish all the things I want to do in a day getting to the end of it without pain, discomfort or running to many stories against my melodrama. “Let’s give the mornings to ourselves. It is transformational”.

Scary

2015.September

I have been back again in the closet for a few months and feeling no strong urge to have a fuck with a guy. All of a sudden, I ran into a very stressful situation and actually thought I managed it well. Time, once again, would help me heel the wounds since it was just grief. I didn’t want to dwell in the grief process once again but I knew I was in a sensitive place. I have my partner to talk to but there are times I would love to have a male friend that I would call and be vulnerable, be heard without having to listen to suggestions on how to get fixed. A guy that would be something similar to a male penguin that nurtures the egg when it is so cold out there. My need, at times, is to be nurtured by male energy. Those needs run in a sort of undertone beneath my consciousness so I don’t feel them or am not able to name what the problem is. So, I keep going with the doings of life but not feeling exactly balanced or in control of my life. Grief blows the other triggers creating a domino effect releasing bubbles needs that have been repressed, suppressed or left unattended.

I am very ambitious and I work hard to break with the conditioning and programming that have been downloaded throughout the years. Still, I refuse to fall back and lie or hide what is going on to my partner. Still, it is hard to communicate about my emotions and ask for support so I automatically focus on what could possible work, solve my problems and get into action by talking.

“I wonder if you’d be ok with you we change our agreements so I would pick up guys at the 24-Hour Fitness bathroom and take them to my office and have a fuck?”

As I write about this I can see clearly that my NVC training is in no place to be seen in my communication “style”. On the positive side, I am making an honest effort to communicate and I gain the plus credit for addressing a change in our agreement before acting out. It is more difficult to be honest, transparent and courageous enough to face internal shame, a sense of alienation and what not than to create secrets in the relationship. Secrets mess up with integrity, safety and trust to mention a few things. I have found it difficult to find sexually educated males to join us for a three something and I haven’t found yet the right venue where guys are out as bi guys.

I will continue to write about this later as I got tired:

• New agreements being considerate of her and her needs, including her needs of communication,
• Facing shame
• Slowing down and exploring options
• Safety: get out for a cup of coffee, talk, check HIV status –
• Rewards at home: “I would like you to fingerfuck me”. Right lube, right mood, absence of shame
• Middle of the night dates