Agreements                                                2016.May

 

If it is not attending a sense of crisis then I simply don’t know what I want. As maddening as it is that’s where I stand and it is not helpful to make an agreement without finding my voice first.

I am alert enough to say no to a plan that includes me if I haven’t’ been consulted about it but it is a huge effort to say no so I am likely to go along to keep things moving. It is so serious not being able to name what I want that I am grateful there are many crisis in this world for I find enough to do otherwise I would be launched into paralysis, being frozen in space and time without deciding: “Eh ahora, Jose?”

Lately I found out another trick of my brain, mind, thoughts: I mourn my choices. I mourn them as I notice they have gone or not the way they were suppose to be. Since I am not present enough to name what I want or worse I can’t even find it then I blame and bitch about things, as there was no ownership in the first place. It prevents me to ever be present enough to own my responsibility. It has taken al those years to realize how important it is to listen – this is in order to capture some possible movement – it is a poor listening because it is seeking solution outward. My most poorly performance is by going with the flow, being easy going, accommodating and going along to enhance the few moments of peace. But, real listening is just not there yet because I’d have to listen within and come up with an insight out by naming what I want. There is just not enough peace within to reach such an accord so there is actually a well established loop that just turns around one more time and the next time as well. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted yesterday evening so, in order to contemplate and come up with a possible desire I slowed down my own mind by keep myself in motion by cleaning my office room in San Francisco. It is symbolic of a cleansing. Once the room was clean I decided I’d drive half way to Santa Cruz and camp out by the Pacific Ocean in one of those small villagers along the coast. I found a spot and slept till 4:30am and drove the other half home. Got in bed and slept till 9am and woke up clear I wanted to attend the 10am yoga class. Well, my partner had a feast of breakfast and a whole day planned for both of us. I thanked her the wonderful breakfast and invited her to come with me to the yoga. We parted spinning in triggerland.

I used to feel guilty, have shame and definitely feel I was not enough till recently because I am fighting and struggling to survive, to actually exist so I spin, for sur, but I move on with my wants. Why? My sense of freedom is not so abstract anymore so I see she did not communicate her plans for us and ask what my thoughts were. In my mind I don’t feel safe as I fear an attack of emotional pollution that could possibly extend for days just likely my mother and the women in my life. Still, I have work to do; I have to figure out how to address this blockage that prevents me from knowing what I want and it will take practice. So, one breath in and one breath out till I could let go of the spin creating a gap. When in triggerland it is essential or at least smart to create a gap to slow things down. There is a better chance for me to come to the table gentler and willing to listen and state that at this point I appreciate being asked what I want as I need to practice finding my voice. I appreciate even more being asked in advance as I need time to search, dive in, in order to name what enhance my sense of freedom and pleasure and yes I want company or if/when she is not willing, to discuss our schedule, plans and what can possibly work for both of us. I have to learn what the fuck I want before making an agreement.

Agreements

2016.March

 

I am going on a road trip for almost two weeks and we discussed and came to this agreement. It is a significant shift for because we will/would be having sexual partners separated from one another. As we talked about it we came to believe we are stronger than this agreement but that is what we got into words:

 

• Nelson calls SL if he wants to spend time together with someone that is more time than just for sex.
  • Social time?
  • Time sleeping over?
  • Time going for a hike for example?
  • Time romance?
    • The biggest fear: Nelson is not in control of his own emotions and now is hooked into somebody else and … abandonment
  • Are you socializing and having sex?
    • If yes
      • Check with SL
      • The night before if possible or the day after the fuck for sure. Is it true for SL?

SL

• Not in my bed or the Earth House. Not in the house
• I requested she doesn’t bring anybody home for sex

 

It has been significant to notice that social time has such a strong relevance and, at times, it is stronger than a fuck.

I am still getting ready to go on this almost two-week vacation and I am close, defended and defensive. Part of me just wants to hide and not talk about my experiences, if any.

2016.January

We are going out on a date tonight with a guy we played with last year in a Play Party. We got an apt in San Jose through AirBnB and I would go straight to it but I simple understand she chose to meet in a restaurant first then go there. The agreement between the three of us has come up very easily but my Beloved wants to make sure his wife is really ok we are meeting tonight. There has been lots of transparency on the background as I asked him through emails if he could host, if his wife was joining us and he came back saying she is ok he could go out and play but she wanted to be home tonight.

Agreement requires sensitivity and including all parts matter to prevent it from becoming a moving target.

                         October 2015

“All agreements are made to be broken”, she said.

It sounds true but there are other things that come to my attention about agreements:

• Please, don’t do it now because I am not prepared to deal with it.

“All agreements are made to be transcended”, I say.

• We are growing, changing, discovering and wanting to experience life, truth while un-programming our very conditioning.
• Some of us find it very difficult to answer a simple question: “What do I want?”

Some of us find it very difficult to let go of control and feel safe

• They seem to know what they want as they easily make a list of things that would work better for them if they achieved the whole list

Dynamics:

• “Please support me in exploring new territories”
• “Commit to our relationship so I am able to deal with my own insecurities”
• “My heart will know where home is”
  • This is a big as you notice the statement is in the future tense
  • “For me to feel safe, your heart has to know where home is now”
  • “It is not easy to exercise self control as a child in a candy store”

Discernment:

• “I will make the effort to describe in as much details as possible what I want and we make agreements so we both feel safe before we embark in a venue that provides a chance for us to explore the adventure”

Mantra:

• “My Better Half, my best business”
• “Cut the crap and fuck the excuses”

The venue explodes in front of your eyes and now you see there is so much more life out there in just one excursion.

You miss:

• Those free souls are very likely seeking what you already have
• The preciousness of intimacy is the friend, the companion, the best biz

Answer:

• There is none as your journey is unique to your own discover

Freedom:

• It is through
  • Becoming
  • Truth, courage and vulnerability
  • Transparency
  • Support, letting go of control
• It is with
  • The One you already choose

Calamities:

• Women’s bodies that are never fully read
• Men’s bodies that are never fully explored
• Men that get a hang of it and use the juggling to refuse to grow. All they see now is control. They become a good lay.
• It is hard to see the skillful talk, smoothness in the social interaction, the half lies and truths and the intimacy lost
• The little boys in the candy stores of alternative venues win in the heart and minds of potential adults

Adults:

• Too hurt, victimized, too afraid and tired to risk it all once again
• Smart and very slippery

Adults:

• Struggling with honesty and transparency
• Having it ALL
  • Being met and meeting
  • Being considerate and considering
  • Being adventures and being of service to the Beloved
  • Seeing and being seen
  • Naming, experiencing, expanding and knowing there is an infinite supply of places to go
  • Going places in companionship with the Beloved
  • Realizing freedom and satiated

I love you, SueLynn and I am telling the world all about You.

All Alone Journey

It bugs me I reflect on agreements and I just can’t find something universally useful to say about it. So, here it goes straight from my heart why I think it just doesn’t work to make an agreement at all.

My Beloved deals with a sense of abandonment and I strongly want my freedom. I need this sense of freedom to accomplish something I haven’t been able to materialize throughout the years. Play Party is by definition a place to play, to let my Inner Child loose on a candy store with all the space to finally come out to really find self-expression. “I want to be free in my body”. She wants to be desired, claimed, wanted, be present in my attention while I do my exploration and she definitely wants be considered. She has done her homework and has a good sense of what conditions could bring her to feel safe so she is ready to discuss a plan and lay down a sketch that serves as a sort of a map for explorations on possible things that could potentially get our relationship to work. She wants it all! She wants to give and be open to transcend from jealousy to compersion and she also wants to give from a place of generosity so she opens up to herself. She wants to take a shot in expanding creativity and be inspired to give even more each time. I have a sense of hunger inside of myself that is elusive and I can’t put into words. I feel deep inside this hunger, this need can possibly be addressed in that Play Party so I am ready to agree to whatever she had said. I know for sure I won’t have the stamina to discuss every single point in her map so I agree I will be attentive, mindful and that I am sincerely grateful there is a chance we will have our needs of physicality addressed. I am eager to do the work but I already don’t focus on the details of our agreements as I am already overwhelmed by the nuances and the fact she builds stamina like a person who has never been heard or understood in the details. “I am working hard enough to accept another guy touching her and it is also true I don’t get it when it comes to women’s sexuality what they want. They want orgasms but conditions apply even to themselves! The ones aware of their sexual potentiality know they can have a few in a row if they wanted to but still they prefer to explore their sexual drive not to orgasm but to get them (the orgasms) to reveal what the possibilities are behind the drive, the potentiality itself. It is actually hard to fully accept they are sexual beings since I relate to sex through my cock and it could even be true I relate to pleasure, comfort, intimacy and being loved not just sex through my cock. My cock is almost a separate entity driving force in the body. I want it to explode but what the fuck? It is enough to name a few of the forces surrounding us and the stretch I am putting myself through because I know I want us together and am also horrified of the divorce route. At time like this I think I also suffer the abandonment thing but let’s get out of the door. “I want us to get out of the door”. We have got to try something, right? We can’t do the very same thing and expect different results, right? There is something sweet about going out on a date as a couple to meet others. As we get ready to leave our home I am turned on by seeing she had a longer shower, her travel dress and the seductress dress are laid on our bed and she casually asks: “Did you pack the condom that gets you comfortable?” My sense of freedom is peaked as she mentioned the condom size and I feel more confident she confirmed by her question she knows I want to fuck someone else tonight. I was shaky and feeling curbed by a sense of loss of freedom as we talked about our agreement for attending this Play Party. What do I want? What do I really want? How do the other guys get over the jealousy thing? “Thanks for taking care of my wife”, he said. It was a jolt when the guy said that on his way out of the door at the end of the night a few weeks ago. It is still hard for me to share something so intimate with strangers but I prefer the roller cost of emotions than being bored. I want to do it right and be considerate and everything but I want to have a good time as well like a couple of teens being loose for an adventure tonight. “You look beautiful”. I mean it and part of me says: “Let’s go to bed and celebrate the occasion” but I take a deep breath and there we go into Play Party night. Why did she put two dresses on the bed to get ready? I got myself back into shorts and T-shirt since this Party is chez nous! Why is she ok her 19 years old son will be attending the Puja and hanging out with friends in the kitchen? Just after the connection exercises we are asked to share with our partners our agreements for tonight. “Same for us?” “Do you have a request?” “How do you really feel about the group and the night?” I share I saw about one or two possibilities and we share our impressions about them. My heart is getting more and more educated and now knows where home is. I plan to trade cards, get info and set up possibly more intimate dates. Last time I showed this attractive couple our place and odd enough I lost my voice when the guy surprised me by extending an invitation to date her together. “I need you”. We nailed our agreement in a Play Party to this simple phrase and still it is hard to say it in triggerland as we might be spinning because something happened to us only God know when.

As I got fingerfucked I noticed the tissue in the ass got supple, more pliable just like described in the Tantra books. A simple touch in the prostate and it was like the Kundalini itself was launched like a sky rock through the spinal fluid. Since I was overwhelmed by shame I could not make myself aware of the next layer of stories, in the mental repetitive tape, as I would retract into social behavior. By the end of 2008 I embarked in a journey of self discover pushed by loss of income, divorce, moving out to Oakland, coming out, questionable ethical behavior, lack of friends and it was then when the economy tanked. Had I gotten sick then I would have experienced all areas of stress at the same time. “Nothing short of a miracle you made it”. I had to save money to survive and I had to spend money in talking therapy. I ended up finding talking therapy clinics and 12-Step groups and Snap Out program in LGBT San Francisco. After a few sessions: “You are facing a personal crisis”. “Do you think you can make it through the end of the year?” I felt relieved just in hearing there was a name for what I was going through so I set my eyes on 2009. I felt good considering what I had on my plate but I was veiled in. Flashed of divorce memories floaded my mind eyes. The images were not only vivid but also loaded with shame, guilt, remorse, self-pity and deep loneliness. The last scene before I hit the road was of us in the street by my truck. As we hugged good byes after filing and receiving the divorce papers I asked her: “What is wrong with me?” “It is not the logic but the thinking itself”. This is as far as she would share her insights about me but in recollection she also said: “95% of you is a great guy but this 5% will bring you down. I am sorry”. A psychic told her: “He is a train wreck”. I knew she would not discuss any further since she didn’t waste her time in what she called the Personality Crap. There was love in her voice and the very last phrase before I stepped out of the door: “I want you to know I will always love you”. I packed my little truck and headed north on my way to a friend’s home who offered me shelter near the HAI workshop in Harbin Hot Springs. I knew I had to be at HAI level 2 workshop and it came to me in the weekend of our divorce agreement. She asked for divorce on Thursday. I agreed to it on Friday and started packing on Saturday. “Where are you going?” “North”. “Where?” “Oakland”. “I also need to be at HAI workshop level 2”. She offered to help by checking the dates and printed the scheduled Level 1 and 2. When I sat down for breakfast at the level 2 workshop a woman took the next seat available and started talking to me. I said I was looking for a bedroom in Oakland. “I will rent you one”. By January or February I learned I was walking distance from 12-Step Center and

2009 year of the personality!

 I talked to my sister in Rio and she got a reading from a person in trance. “Get rid of him. He is going down. He has chosen suffering as a way of learning and he has no fear”. During this conversation the veil came down for about 30 seconds. It was like a cloud surrounding my head and the me, me, me was just very, very brutal. “Me, me, me is very brutal” said my 12-Step sponsor during one of our weekly meeting. He was my only social contact outside the house. My sister stated she would not close the door on me but she could not come to the US and deal with lawyers and visit me in prison. I will fast forward my story to see if I can possibly connect this bla, bla, bla to agreement. I am having a tough time saying what I believe to be the reason why agreements don’t work or can possibly work.

 The agreement is made between two adults excluding the unknown Inner Children.

 As I got to know my Inner Boy who I currently call Little Monster I learned to witness the scenes of abuse, trauma and what the fuck not without being hijacked by the memories. The grail for me is to remember what decisions I made at those times! In short: My mother walked in when my brother was fucking me at the age of 3. She tortured us and I made up my mind I was going to do it again. Besides that I want her, the woman, to accept and nurture me. When the guy was fucking me and I was eye gazing with my girlfriend it fulfilled the bill. It’s been about 3 months later by now and I am still feeling the positive ripple effects of accomplishing a desire that took me 50 years to materialize to address a need.

It is an all-alone journey!

 Personality crap and personality work

 It is sort of counter intuitive to ponder on agreements as something made to be broken. It is a means to keep nurturing the trust that has just started growing so “I beg you please keep me safe”. It is just so hard to deal with the sense of betrayal that comes when the agreement has been broken by the very one I invested my shaken trust. My sense of safety is just gone. It is clear it is not the first time it has happened and in fact, I don’t even remember it the first time it happened but, nonetheless, it hurts and hurts. The familiarity of the pain is familiar like an old friend. Why the sob left me out of the loop? Why was I not trusted and given a chance to deal with it together? I am so invested in this relationship and there is so much going on and now I have to face my discernment just sucks. I actually believe that before this if I were asked if I believed the Universe was for me instead of against me I would consider and probably feel supported by Universe being for me. What the fuck?

It is my sense of trust and my sense of not being alone that are shaken, battered and in my core they are gone for good right now before my eyes. To make matters worse I was feeling more and more committed and willing to go further in the discovery of our own unique path. There was a sense of openness straight from my heart wasted, devalued and rejected.

This is what I call a spin and honest to God triggerland is a very rich state of being as it touches every possible corner of my being. “Sweet grief of mine you have me so please do me as you may”. I am angry, sad and afraid since I don’t know what to do and right now I don’t have the energy it’d take to consider anything. Anything at all.(Laughter!) Here I come! Grab a notebook and now it depends on how apt you are to celebrate this gift of grief. Realize you are open and write a simple phrase like: I feel angry because of this and in triggerland it brings up this and that. If you used to personality work your personality shit will throw you off completely so you just dot what are coming up to you. It goes like this: “I also felt betrayal when I didn’t get the promotion at work last year”. Say thank you to the memory and pick it up from your heart and place it on the shelf for now. Make the most of your openness and do the same with the memories that are just popping right now. There are only four emotions: anger, fear, sadness and joy. So, check your stamina and write: I feel angry because of this and that, I feel afraid because of this and that, I feel sad because of this and that. I am grateful (joy) because I am open and all these things that have been running my life on the background are finally coming to light so I am willing to take this inventory for cleansing, cleaning, open up and love more and more because it is all about me after all.

The most difficult thing is to be open up and that the sob that got you started is still around (laughter) and will do it again. But, the next time around on the wheel you will ask: “What are my resistance this time?” “Would you like to get lighter and raise your vibrations to soar?” Well, speed up the deal by focusing on freeing the sob! You’d be on a fast lane from jealousy to compersion. Just knowing there is a state of arrival get us excited because there is a possibility and the short cut is simple: Free that sob since you can’t free yourself from grief, need to control, feeling victimized, blame, shame and all the personality crap. Soon you will notice that sob is lighter and happier. Please give yourself tons of credit and celebrate your doing. It is a very sweet journey since the sob is not needed in your journey. S/he has been there just to ignite your openness and the Universe has been there for you all along since you now know. What the fuck?

 To make one or not to make one?

So, don’t rush and blow the great opportunities of exploring what agreement is and to whom it will mostly serve otherwise you will find yourself spinning because you just rushed into agreeing with her. Notice that she is totally ready to name what she wants and knows exactly where the list is. She is eager to name the survey or research, work and how she got to the clarity that will very likely make it work this time. She is experienced and she is excited because she feels she finally has a chance to try it out on her terms. All you have to do is agree and you will have it rolling in no time. The other poor devil just deals with an undertone and every time he is asked “what do you want?” there is a blank, a veil, a sense the question is out of place and time except he feels his freedom is being compromised but he can’t exactly pin it down and name where and how. She brings to the table 10 things and the poor devil goes through the process of pulling teeth just to bring one request up. “I want a blow job”. This is muttered after much hesitation, feelings of inadequacy and downright shame. I am one of the poor devils out there. We develop a whole set of vocabulary, mannerism and we are so many and everywhere that we are not noticed anymore. We go with the flow; when asked what we want we reverse the question by asking what is available, we look for what others have got in similar situation, position and we – under a tremendous amount of pressure – sometimes – are able to go fishing inside ourselves and after a agonizing dive we come up with an incredible insight out and proclaim: “Ok. What is it that you want?” Inside we are mortified and just want you to want whatever the fuck you want so we gain movement, we get on to what is next but, fortunately or unfortunately, we don’t get to be present after the partner takes the initiative and brings up something like going to a movie, restaurant, a driving by such and such place. We drive our partners crazy and lonely because we are so agreeable, so ready to get along and as we distract ourselves we name that we are still unsatisfied or somewhat unhappy with the meal, the story, the view and so forth. What happened? It matters at this point she is pissed. There is actually a S.O.B. named Hendrix and he says that a child of overbearing parents learns to hide from the fucking bastards what it wants and ultimately learns and applies the ultimate trick. Hiding from self what it wants! That’s how the agreeable lot is home made and it believes nobody is there to be bigger than life anyway.

But, the pace of play party is easily intense so she wants to be reassured there is some safety, the relationship will survive, we will communicate at this time, real time. It is crazy making here because she goes inward affirming: “I am with you” and she sees a child entering a candy store and going completely in bliss and in a very different abandonment outward. It usually takes me less than 30 seconds to spot a blond and she goes straight into my imaginary shelf as the night just started unfolding. “I got a feeling that tonight’s gone be a good night” runs the tape in my head.

An agreement is something similar to a biz mission. We agreed we will not change it in times of trouble, when there is a crisis looming in the dark, when one is hot to a possible wonderful fuck just around the corner. We agreed in a play party to whisper on the other’s ear “I need you”. We will drop the orgasm and attend to one another because “my better half, my better biz”. So many of us are so busy with the stuff of life we forget our very partner is our best biz. Take care of your partner as you take care of your biz putting hours, effort, consideration and 100% discipline and “All your problems as you know them will disappear” (Scott Peck). It boils down to how much personality work the participants have invested in knowing the self and each other. We got to the point that we stay calm as the other trigger the shit of a situation. Instead of escalating the situation and going for each other’s neck we look inward and from that point on it is easy to see it is the core issues that are driving the responses. By practicing being heard we are on our way to develop trust when we feel vulnerable.

Why bother with agreements? Well, it is not about a fuck anymore as we have multiple partners. “My body is a tent, not a temple”. I am just very ambitious and the main goal is to be connected, brought to center and ultimately educate my heart where home is. Is it possible? What scares me to death is the possibility of falling in love outside of our relationship. Should she fall in love with someone else, i believe, it’d be easier on me than it’d be on her. We both have lust for life (Van Gough) and i want to experience both sides of the coin when it comes to love. I want to be free in the body! Free of what? It is a tall order as i want to let go of shame, blame, victimization, cultural programming among other things. In our agreement we have lover (s) with each other so we see what happens, participate and facilitate this crazy biz called love of ours. It could be easy only if we agreed on what turns us on! I like green male lovers. Nothing sweeter than bringing a straight male lover and all of sudden, the guy goes down on me! She loves it. This young Asian guy kept staring at my cock and simply threw his arm around my belly and all of a sudden it was man on man. We were eye gazing and all the sensations of being sucked i poured into her as love. I get to peaks of gratitude! He made a pause and said: “he is beautiful”. I still don’t know whether he said he is or it is beautiful but deep down inside it was fun to see him going for my cock with gusto. “I am loved, loving and lovable.  Thank you, God. And so it is”. At such rare opportunity i do my best to send a positive message throughout my system to increase self-esteem and self love as the channels are open up. “Ask him if it is his first time?” “Oh, yeah”. “Please, ask”. I am marveled to witness people who don’t have shame in their charter. Since there are lots of bodies in the room then it just happens i got my attention fished by something else. “Are you ok that i fuck her?” “Yes”. As soon as i started caressing this woman i noticed she was strongly a victim. My undertone is of anger, despise and i want to grab, take, use and dump the bitch. It is a very fast reading and she read me in reverse “I want you to spank me” “You mean to slap you?” “No, to spank me”. I have suppressed, repressed anger and it is just unreachable and i am a soft, gentle guy but such an offer echoed desires throughout time and a controlled slap crossed the air. Then, a second one flew. “Are you ok?” “Harder”. I did let go and i was consciously my father. I have a solid ten years beating and that’s how i got my masters. The fucking in the room stopped as the intensity of the palm hitting the legs, arms and back echoed to the adjacent room and now the naked audience inquired itself. What the fuck?

I gave a friend a ride the airport and talking about agreement she made a simple point: “Agreements are made to be broken”. She went on to explaining that we make them in order we are not left. It could be left out of an experience, left as lovers, left as partners. I could follow her rational and begged her to start her own blog. Women put way more into this than men and for the few men that venture into this we rationalize that we are, at least, ahead of the great majority of other men. Still, i will keep going with my own take and fuck it.