Abandonment

What could possible be the blessings, benefits and celebratory aspects of feeling abandoned? I can’t access abandonment in myself so I am just entertaining the emotion since it is so very present in my life through my Beloved. At times, I would risk to say I feel abandonment but it is very short lived as I immediately jump start a movement or something through anger rather than giving myself by basically being dragged first by sadness then a sense of hopelessness and helplessness. Abandonment seems to have led her to be on her own since early age but not by choosing it so she places a tag, a solution in companionship rather than in returning to self as if looking at a mirror and being that which she wishes she’d find in me, for example. She refuses to prompt the mind to simply recognize and cherish her attitude, her findings and her unique character development. As I look at her from where I stand: “I’d be cheerful and excited for having discover and develop such a persona out of my own. I’d celebrate I am not like them! They set themselves in a sort of a social game that renders each individual in an effort to be more alike than the other. They seem to strive for the sameness, to fit in and be accepted by the group while deriving a sense of comfort and safety they are ok, unique and the little things they find to be different about themselves are enough to render them a sense of uniqueness. “I am different enough” and there is no need to rock the boat. They seem like cattle and they go on grazing, praising traditions and cheering the proper thing and people.

My Beloved juggles well between being the Whore and the Madonna. Right now I have two requests from her. She wants a beating and she wants a ring! Both things, if done right, would address abandonment. The reason they are wrapped up in time, almost as one request, is to set me off! “I want you to feel and show me your emotions” “No, shit!” I am emotionally strong but the emotions have to be yours. It is hard work to perform a beating since I am in it. To be in it means that I am opening the doors of way by gone traumas. The hero pin on my chest testifies that I received a solid 10-year beating from my father. I could use some tools or toys to perform it but mostly I prefer doing by hand as I am turned on by the sound of the slaps. In the dungeon we check in for a few hours in Monterey there is everything one can possibly imagine at reach. My anger comes up as my voice spaces out, the tone mystifies me as it is softer, secure and aims at a target. I am certain she will surrender. She wants to let go, be taken and assured all her response abilities are on someone else.

The request for the ring is just a fucking lie, as it was never intended as a token of my love to her but rather an initiation of a ritual of being claimed. Why do I get furious about it? It is the stretch in triggerland that awaits me: The shopping (I have been shown exactly the store where the jewelry is all special), the designs (the internet images of rings popping in our bed!) and, of course, the elucidation of the meanings behind the rings.

I am getting to realize there is a male pandemic disease that prevents us to say what we want. It seems we are automatically idiotic, infantilized, in our primitive mind and attitude the moment we get in a room with women. It is almost like an agreement that it is what we do in order to get between their legs and fuck them. The macho guys can’t get in touch with their feelings and the other half became soft and started going with the flow. We can’t name what we want, plan a day or an event, establish a routine, a program and get the bitches to follow. There is a trick there somewhere in the mind because women will agree, celebrate the few that gather their courage and stick their heads up instead of down. The characteristics we are dealing with seem to be that women pick up as far as these few courageous one had the ability to advance the ball and once again it is spider woman territory. It seems it is basically men trying to take the Inner Children into play and not being able to create a container to start the play and continue to respond with abilities as the game unfolds. Relaxing into play seems almost like a crime committed against the little girl that has been responsible all her life and now can’t ever relax and enjoy the fun.

I want to keep what I wrote here and I know it is a smart move to elaborate on the benefits of letting out the struggles, conflicts, frustrations and the recognition I lack in consideration. Consideration is a horrible word but still it is a step up from respect. I got rid of respect and it boxes more than it frees the new dynamics and I last a minute longer as it opens up the possibility of stepping up to a more spiritual evolved statement such as place for love and compassion through evidence. Also, it is better to start considering as I am already on a stretch and there is only so much energy to catch up with her stamina. Abandonment is a life long practice so she is honed to keep going indefinitely on this subject of self-growth, self discover or simple personality crap. You choose how you see this!

I will think about the rituals around the ring and tie her up in chains before I deliver the beating and let you know what happened if I am still a free man after the performance. What the fuck?!

2015.04.24

It’s abandonment!!!

A few weeks ago SueLynn said she was not happy with our sexual routine. “It is predictable.” I subconsciously felt:

• I am not enough
• She will abandon me
  • She will leave me because I am an adult
• I started pushing her away because it is better now than later
  • I am stronger now
  • I am not as old
• I couldn’t make on this matter with Joy and it has come back again
  • Better go into action
• I am not safe
  • I can’t trust her

I started pushing her away and being more and more distant but I could not figure out why the disconnection was so strong. This morning in bed she mentioned I said something yesterday that signaled to her I was leaving, getting out of the relationship and I could see she meant to stay in the relationship. A deep felt sense of a sort of a wash releasing the tension passed through me as I realized it is important for her we are together. In less than 10 seconds I got an erection and I knew the block of energy was removed. But, what was it?

As I started driving I could finally allow the realization come to consciousness that I am safe, we want to be together and I could immediately name where the fear started. It is still very hard for me to dive deep, go fishing and come up identifying the core issue at play. Better say the core issue playing me and/or us. As a male I don’t feel I have the right to have abandonment issue therefore I can’t feel it. Second, I just have misplaced anger. The anger is out of proportion to my current life events. Since I have been putting effort to stop blaming SueLynn then I got really exposed and yesterday as we were in bed at night I just said: “I feel stuck”. I could not identify the issue and even thought about talking therapy.

I took a moment to email SueLynn this realization it’s been abandonment that has been present in our dynamics as it helps me to say something about what is alive between us and I can participate in connecting the threads. It brings us to the same page and calms us down when I give more insights about what has been going on in my internal life.