I am divine energy having a human body experience in the playfulness of the mystery of the universe.

Once I look at Earth from this perspective everything is just local!    The human melodrama is so much more palatable, fun and everything as well as everyone is just moving in an eternal transition towards expansion of consciousness. To the best of my abilities I work as hard as I can to be gentle and even attempt to be kind just to be out of the pull of the massconciousmess.

It feels good to finally be able to come forward and declare to the whole world – i mean the planet Earth a very real possibility of me. I feel vindicated, affirmed by my less than 30 seconds description of this being since it is so hard when i am pressed to imagine where i am going to be, let’s say, in five years from now. You might agree or disagree with my own understanding of who i am and you might even know better and decide i am not which i described but can you prove it? I am not invested in proving it since there are so many galaxies, universes and millions other planets just like ours available for a visit. If, by some miraculous accident, they decided from the very core of their civilized existence they are to be as compassionate as the masters of divine love are then they might even be welcoming to ausslanders! I just recently opened up to this possibility of being really expanded such as our beloved Little Prince by Saint Exupery. By the time he is helped out of the body by a rattle snake in the desert i was so enthralled by the fable i didn’t think for a second he just committed suicide. I accepted without reserve it was a conscious transition and he was on his way back to continue nurturing his rose. “I have been to planet Earth and found many roses just like you. You are not so unique as you made me believe”. “I am because you cultivated me”. After all these years that is how i remember the dialogue and nowadays as i am in a open relationship i sincerely hope my heart learns for good where home is. Will we be committed, intimate and in loving partnership? Will we accept that love expands rather than contracts with new energies? How to be kind has to be a daily spiritual practice rather than lame excuses. It is inner life on a fast lane. You don’t think so? Well, I have not yet found anyone without brokenness specially in the matters of the heart. In a play party or orgy if you will, there are lots of couples and each individual is working hard to make sense of the night and what is possible just a few hours away if you arrive early. What are your strategies? How is your communication skills and to whom? Do you position yourself just one step slower than your partner or you break loose as you in step at the door? Do you choose by physicality or by attraction? Do you break the ice or do you have a leisurely dinner accompany by light talk and allow the room to accommodate those bodies on those strategically placed air mattresses, Jacuzzi and other sensuous rooms created just for you. Will you be ready for the lube Fairy when she passes by? I have chosen sex as a means of self-liberation. I would love to let go of the past not by forgetting it, nor suppressing or compressing but accepting it fully from birth family, social conditioning and programming to all my experiences. While others have sexual fantasies I discover them as great source of inspirations! I still tend to be in my head but already ask the question: Where is the effective venue for this? Who has been there? At times I lack courage but mostly I have been caught in the discernment piece as I have journeyed through the process of discovering what works for me. Coming out of the closet is NOT an one time deal and time challenges me to relax more and more into the present whether I am sunbathing naked in a public area or projecting others to be uncomfortable against me pushing the envelope so to speak. How to be passionate and fully alive? How to make love with lust with awareness the Universe has always more to deliver? Will I ever be able to write unrestrained? It is unlikely because I just don’t know what level of confidentiality, protection, a sense of just being a voice through this blog rather than a person is guaranteed by the system I am using. There is no guarantee I will be incognito. I still want to keep digging, diving, getting as deep as I can with my own truth though subjective it is, at least emotionally, very true for me what I write, reflect on and relate. Whether we are a man or woman we want to see a woman sexually happy, content, satisfied and blossoming in the process of opening up like a flower. A woman is more apt to prompt present a laundry list which, sometimes, is pretty long with all the things that prevent her from being whole, physically, emotionally and spiritually present for her own happiness. It also seems to be true that very few of them experience giving themselves without holding back. I imagine very few of them are also able to find a friendly ear and a willing heart to go through their very own list so they can finally feel heard. What happens then when phase I is accomplished? (laughs) Well, it is like becoming a master of craft just to discover the journey is to be initiated. Does it suck? Not really, but there is a sense of being humble by our own confusion, misplaced credits and debts, the stories in the repetitive tape in our heads become ever so loud and clear. We are granted clarity to seeing through our own history and now we are able to pick up the pieces with compassion. I remember exactly the day I started dissociating or getting out of the body and being as far away from what was happening, that was then reality. My father was beating me up when I was sleeping by the age of 7. By practicing a meditation I was encouraged to get back to the scene as a witness keeping the emotions at bay. In one session I realized our eyes crossed and it seems I thought inside my head before taking off: “Coward”. In one of the following sessions I was even more lucid and remember seeing terror in his eyes. A drunk man does not swallow down his own consciousness his face rather reflect the inferno he is dealing with in his turmoil. For one reason or another the person we choose to be our partner brings us a chance to revisit our very core issues in greater or lesser depths. I want insight and by revisiting episodes I expect to come up to a sort of resolution. I usually measure my past success excursions by transforming the incidents into pleasure. In this incident described above I want to dare myself to trust again. I find trauma sexy! I told this to a 35 years experience in treating trauma specialist and she exploded: “Tell me how! How it can possibly be sexy?” Here it goes. We are making love and I mention it hurts so good to enter her when she is somewhat dry. “I can’t move any faster than this or I will come”. We are eyes gazing and “I want you to go slower but most of all keep eye contact when you are coming.” “No, no and no, said I slowing down more and more.” The dissociation is a tremendous force, a surge of energy, a terrible need to close my eyes and go with the flow that sets in. I am aware my orgasm is extending, stretching, going and coming but I still slow down even some more to almost a halt. My body tension collapses, I surrender to a calmness transcending the moment but I still have enough drive to keep the eye contact. She seems to believe I released but I really don’t know so I throw her right leg up, sit up on the left and start moving inside of her. She is now willing to have orgasms together and this time I release. “How come you have a hard on?” I sit by her side, pop a pillow under my butt and reach to the lube. “You won’t need this.” She always says that when having my juice inside her but I like the comfort of the whole area being slippery. I look into her eyes: “Slow!” We both laugh as my fingers enjoy her softness, openness and willingness to surrender to pleasure.